over it

I want out.

I can't do this anymore. I want to live in a house with just my family. They are my children. I want to be able to take care of them, look after them, go cross at them, cuddle them wherever and when ever I like. I want to be able to leave things where I want to.

Today is Easter. I had everyone's easter chocolate / presents on the table. E decided that she would just eat as much chocolate as she could get her hands on (when told "No more chocolate!" she responded with "But it's yummy!"). She was sitting in my seat, next to Pop's seat.  She opened one of my chocolates (I don't care, it's not like I need more!) But then she reached for Pop's and tried to open his. Well fuck me if he just didn't lose his shit at her. My apologies for the language, but holy crap man, she's TWO. She sees unattended chocolate, there, ready for the taking. She doesn't know that the little selections on the table are for specific people. SHE JUST SEES CHOCOLATE. Wanker. That turned into a yelling match. Andrew took it at me yelling at him. I was just yelling. I wasn't yelling at E, or Andrew, or really at Andrew's mother. I am just totally over the way Andrew's dad speaks to E. I mean, she only had her 2nd birthday just on two weeks ago. He doesn't treat J the same way. It's like J could do nothing wrong, but E just has to breathe and hey, you're pissing me off kid. Later in the morning, he was in his bed (coz that's just a whole other story - he had surgery on his backside, then while recovering from that now has bursitis, which is a frozen shoulder), and while E and J were watching Dora in his room, he hears beeping. He immediately went mad at E for playing with the the telephone. She didn't even have it. Dora was beeping.

I'm just so totally over her being blamed for everything. A few months ago, his wallet went missing. As did Andrew's mothers keys. E is forever finding things and playing with them and putting them where she thinks she needs to go. I ended up finding the keys, but the wallet was still missing. She was blamed for it missing. It turned up, in the mop bucket full of water. Yes, she may have put it there, but the wallet wasn't put back in it's normal place, so technically, who's fault was it that it ended up in the mop bucket? Should it be E, the one who put it in the bucket, or the one who left it where she could get to it?

rant over

I am at a complete loss on how to deal with E. Regardless of what time of day it is, she is an absolute handful. I would one day absolutely love to give her (and J) another little sibling. When putting E to bed, that's when my resolve is tested. It should not take 2 hours to put a two year old to bed. :(

I feel as it I'm failing as a parent, as a mum. I can't do anything right. She wants Nanna. Never mummy. Yesterday J told me I yell too much. I tried hard today, never yelled. We all painted, I took photos. They tubbed in the laundry tub. We went to the library. We had tuna egg boats for lunch (and cheesy ham toastie). I was told again that I've changed. Still in a bad way. When I left for work just now, they were in my bed, with Nanna on my couch, watching Inspector Gadget. I would have preferred no tv, but I don't want to be told I'm not a fun mum anymore.

I'm struggling with this course at Uni, the thought to throw it all in has crossed my mind more than once. Then I think that's 3 years I've missed of my children's life for nothing, so I don't.

The First Tooth!

My baby lost his first tooth today! He was so proud of his wiggly tooth, he was showing everyone! It's Good Friday, so Andrew had the day off and came with me to the gym with the kids. I finished my 30 min session, and he was showing a lady from the gym who had just turned up how wiggly it was. As he moved his hand away, out the tooth came! Andrew watched it happen. I was chatting to a friend, so I missed it, but wow, it was surreal when he showed me! I remember when he got that first tooth! I don't remember how old he was, but I had already returned to work, part time. J and I had a health nurse appointment, I breast fed him, gave him to Andrew's mother who was waiting for us outside and went to work. I worked for 3 hours, then went straight to pick him up. I was gone 4, maybe 4.5 hours total. My mother-in-law asked me how long he's had teeth. I told her he doesn't! She showed me by giving him a drink of water in a glass. I could hear the tink tink of the teeny tiny teeth in his bottom gum! My baby had teeth!

Now, one of those front teeth is gone! His bottom front right one. Took two days from wiggly to out! I doubt the other bottom one is far away!  The Tooth Fairy is bringing him $5 in the form of 3x $1 coins, 6x  20c, a 10c and a 50c ! He had told me before he went to bed that he was expecting 50c! He's going to be excited when he sees all the coins! My bet is he's not going to care how much is in there, just that there is lots of coins!

crazy

It's been stupid crazy here lately.

I need to write my assignment and am procrastinating badly (ie: I'm here writing this blog post...)

I felt a puddle on the carpet before I put the kids to bed 2 nights ago, in the wee hours of the next morning it was a huge puddle. By that afternoon, there'd been a plumber over trying to find the leak (there isn't one) and have ripped up or stanley knifed the mould soggy carpet and underlay and rotten boards that the carpet sticks to.

Exam in 2 weeks. Same procrastination as above.

I turned down the opportunity to re-join tupperware

My grandmother tells me my aunty thinks I look like I've put on weight. I have (1-2kg), but surely skin tight jeggings and a pink tutu does nothing for anyones figure...

I'm 2 days late for my next c25k round (I believe I'll be up to week 3, day 1). I seem to find excuses. To be fair, a migraine and / or headache for 5 days will give you a damned good excuse.

J's loose tooth is bothering him, says it hurts and he has difficulty eating biting food. How long does it take for a tooth to fall out?

But to contradict my previous statement, we went out to dinner to Montezumas tonight, and he's eaten more than I've ever seen!!

I've been super shitty today. It took 45 mins of screaming like a banshee from E before I remembered I could pop her on my back in the ergo and she'll calm down and sleep.. There went 1 hour (coz it took another 15 min to properly get her to sleep and onto bed) for my assigmment. Then the kids were mental waiting for dinner. knocked over a drink and everything.

Then when we got home, the kids, Andrew, and his mum (and another boy) had a swim. That doesn't seem to spend her energy. So I asked if Andrew's mum could calm her down while I looked for something she asked for. I found it, the kid was still up playing ("yeah, I was getting her bottle"), so again I left her to it and got back to my assignment (which is what I was doing when they were all in the pool), and then I hear her, J and the other boy screaming and giggling and carrying on. That's not calming her down. What I really meant to say was "YOU put her to bed". When I finally resigned myself to putting E to bed myself, she came and took her off me and put her to sleep.

I need a holiday. badly. All I've been thinking was "remember when we could just ask the kids if they'd like a sleep over at Nannas?" Well, that doesn't work anymore. We live with Nanna. I just want a break. I'm tired. Cranky. stressed. annoyed, have a bit of pain (thankfully, no headache). I really just want this assignment to go away (but I don't know where to start and it confuses me and hurts my brain).

I've said yes to an 8 o'clock session at the gym in the morning (instead of 8:30). I've told my friend I'll bring in her textbook, but right now I've just realised I have no idea where it is.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Wobbly Tooth!

At school this afternoon, Jensen showed me him wobbling his tooth. I didn't think anything of it, because sometimes you can think the tooth is wobbly, but it's just your finger moving. Later, when playing a game, he showed me again. Only I was much more closer and OMG, the boy has a wobbly tooth! A front bottom tooth!

HIS right bottom tooth is wobbly!
It's the one that looks like it's out of place.

Andrew didn't lose a tooth until later in his childhood, and I don't remember when I lost any of mine, so I just assumed J would follow in Andrew's footsteps and be a late bloomer in the 'loose tooth' department.

That tooth is so wobbly!

I really wish these migraines would stop!!

My kids

My kids, I love them. But sometimes they test my idea of a good parent. It shouldn't take 2hours to put a 2yr old to bed. I should t resort to putting her in bed, then walking out and shutting that door. It breaks my heart. It breaks hers. It breaks mine even more when I hear a tiny pointer finger knocking on the door and a little voice saying "knock knock mummy. Mummy door open. Mummy open" . She's never in there long by herself, but not long after, she is normally asleep. I suck at bedtime. To be fair, it's not every night.

J keeps pushing his luck at bedtime too. He wants to stay up late and gets so tired.

Tonight is a Saturday. I let him stay up late. It is also March 23 and tonight is earth hour. He was up until 9, and was so tired even then. But when I put him in bed, he told me that he would like earth hour every 1st day of the weekend every weekend. I told him I love the idea, and he should suggest it to the family at breakfast in the morning.