worst day

Well. This is crap.

Today was the crappiest day I have had in such a very long time.

Every night, around the kids bedtime, I have a headache.
For about a week now, I've had nightmares. A few each night, some that end, I wake up, go back to sleep and have another, or have nightmares that end, then a new one begins.
Also, if you were an outsider to my world, you'd wonder why some good looking guy features in every one of my dreams and nightmares (that's not my husband). I am having trouble dealing with a friends fathers passing.

Then, I wake up with neck aches, and sometimes headaches all over again, and today must just have been it. I don't like to use this word, but I screeched. For crying out loud, kids, please, just do as I ask. Me telling you I'm not feeling well and I have a headache does not mean procrastinate and not listen. Me having to remind you and repeat myself does not put me in a better mood. FINALLY we got to school, dropped Jensen off (grade ONE! WOW!), picked up a text book, library with Eden, came home and had a hot choc and a special macaroon with her. Then it started. The incessant whinging and carrying on... Thinking back it was all little things that all just became a huge issue. At one point, I shrieked at her. She was tired, I was exhausted and ready to fall asleep myself, I've got the stupid benign vertigo back which affects just about everything I do. Finally I was ok to go pick J up from school, but unsure as to whether I should drive and be lazy or walk and have E fall asleep in a pram. She decided she wanted to scoot on her scooter too. But far out. Don't do it people. If an over tired 2 year old wants to scoot to pick up her brother, don't let her. It took 10 minutes to get what takes me less than 5.  It's a 20 min walk. It's just not going to happen. She's going to cry, you're going to yell and get so unbelievably angry. We FINALLY made it to the little corner shops (15 minutes it took to get there, only another 5 min left to get to school and we still had a 15 minute walk left - at my pace), I called my father in law to come get us (E could have originally stayed with him, but again, the 2 year old wanted to scoot, and you pick your battles, and I just chose the wrong one and let her come with me). I was so angry, disappointed, frustrated that I was shaking. He dropped me off at school and took E home, and I walked home with J (stupid idea, the vertigo made me nearly throw up 3 times.... Just sitting here is making me sea sick. All I'm doing is typing). Then all the bullshit happened. I don't even remember what. It just all got on top of me. Just everything. Making dinner, the kids inability to listen to ANYTHING anyone says, the screaming coming from the overtired 2 year old, the screaming at the overtired 2year old by her nanna telling her to get away from the road while they put stuff into the trailer to take to the tip (I just couldn't get out there, the freaking vertigo had me with no ability to stand properly. From there, once I finally got out there, then they didn't want to eat dinner, they wanted to go for a drive to the tip (but pop changed his mind, and wasn't going), then nanna suggested pool, but they had to eat first and they didn't want to do that then once they finally got to the pool nanna was shreiking at them too not to jump in and fuck this I'm not typing out my day.  Shit went from bad to worse and everyone seemed to be yelling. I got to a point where I wanted to do something stupid to myself (I coccasionally have self harm thoughts - this was definitely one of those times), but I know that's just stupid, so I didn't do it. I was just so pissed off with the world and listening and seeing nanna get shitty with everything that had to do with myself and my children that I went fuck this I'm outta here. I grabbed my handbag, the kids and just pissed off.  (see what this is doing to me, it's making me angry all over again... even this laptop is annoying my arm and is making me angry) I went and visited my grandma, and I had dinner with her. By the time I got there, I had calmed down.

I am so sorry to my kids for my behaviour today. I hate myself, and how I am. (and now I'm crying). I want to be a better person and mum, but theres something going on that not even I have control over.  I'm so sorry to everyone who has to deal with me. I am so grateful for the friends that I have, whether they know this crazy side of me or not.