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Wednesday, 29 January 2014

worst day

Well. This is crap.

Today was the crappiest day I have had in such a very long time.

Every night, around the kids bedtime, I have a headache.
For about a week now, I've had nightmares. A few each night, some that end, I wake up, go back to sleep and have another, or have nightmares that end, then a new one begins.
Also, if you were an outsider to my world, you'd wonder why some good looking guy features in every one of my dreams and nightmares (that's not my husband). I am having trouble dealing with a friends fathers passing.

Then, I wake up with neck aches, and sometimes headaches all over again, and today must just have been it. I don't like to use this word, but I screeched. For crying out loud, kids, please, just do as I ask. Me telling you I'm not feeling well and I have a headache does not mean procrastinate and not listen. Me having to remind you and repeat myself does not put me in a better mood. FINALLY we got to school, dropped Jensen off (grade ONE! WOW!), picked up a text book, library with Eden, came home and had a hot choc and a special macaroon with her. Then it started. The incessant whinging and carrying on... Thinking back it was all little things that all just became a huge issue. At one point, I shrieked at her. She was tired, I was exhausted and ready to fall asleep myself, I've got the stupid benign vertigo back which affects just about everything I do. Finally I was ok to go pick J up from school, but unsure as to whether I should drive and be lazy or walk and have E fall asleep in a pram. She decided she wanted to scoot on her scooter too. But far out. Don't do it people. If an over tired 2 year old wants to scoot to pick up her brother, don't let her. It took 10 minutes to get what takes me less than 5.  It's a 20 min walk. It's just not going to happen. She's going to cry, you're going to yell and get so unbelievably angry. We FINALLY made it to the little corner shops (15 minutes it took to get there, only another 5 min left to get to school and we still had a 15 minute walk left - at my pace), I called my father in law to come get us (E could have originally stayed with him, but again, the 2 year old wanted to scoot, and you pick your battles, and I just chose the wrong one and let her come with me). I was so angry, disappointed, frustrated that I was shaking. He dropped me off at school and took E home, and I walked home with J (stupid idea, the vertigo made me nearly throw up 3 times.... Just sitting here is making me sea sick. All I'm doing is typing). Then all the bullshit happened. I don't even remember what. It just all got on top of me. Just everything. Making dinner, the kids inability to listen to ANYTHING anyone says, the screaming coming from the overtired 2 year old, the screaming at the overtired 2year old by her nanna telling her to get away from the road while they put stuff into the trailer to take to the tip (I just couldn't get out there, the freaking vertigo had me with no ability to stand properly. From there, once I finally got out there, then they didn't want to eat dinner, they wanted to go for a drive to the tip (but pop changed his mind, and wasn't going), then nanna suggested pool, but they had to eat first and they didn't want to do that then once they finally got to the pool nanna was shreiking at them too not to jump in and fuck this I'm not typing out my day.  Shit went from bad to worse and everyone seemed to be yelling. I got to a point where I wanted to do something stupid to myself (I coccasionally have self harm thoughts - this was definitely one of those times), but I know that's just stupid, so I didn't do it. I was just so pissed off with the world and listening and seeing nanna get shitty with everything that had to do with myself and my children that I went fuck this I'm outta here. I grabbed my handbag, the kids and just pissed off.  (see what this is doing to me, it's making me angry all over again... even this laptop is annoying my arm and is making me angry) I went and visited my grandma, and I had dinner with her. By the time I got there, I had calmed down.

I am so sorry to my kids for my behaviour today. I hate myself, and how I am. (and now I'm crying). I want to be a better person and mum, but theres something going on that not even I have control over.  I'm so sorry to everyone who has to deal with me. I am so grateful for the friends that I have, whether they know this crazy side of me or not.

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

update

It's been so long since I've updated, and I really have been trying to get here to do so, but I get sidetracked... and tired.

So, I seem to be coping well with my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder. I remind anyone who reads this, not to discuss my diagnosis with anyone.  My family do not know. If they're reading this, please don't accuse me of anything or rude about it, I've not told you for a reason. Bipolar disorder has a stigma (any mental health condition does, really....) and I don't want the stigma to influence the way you interact with me. Andrew knows, obviously, and his parents (because we share a house with them) and only one other person. I am still the same person, just slightly modified.

Todays dr appt sees me discussing the fact I've been having trouble with sleep. One medication messed with my personal cycle, and silly me thinking that stopping it would cause it to go back to normal. Well, I lasted 4 or 5 days of troubled sleep and the realisation that I sleep better with that medication had me taking it again. Yep. I slept well. Unfortunately, I dislike taking any medication. I dislike the fact that I may need to take this medication to sleep better. However, it is not an addiction. I can stop again, you'd just have to deal with the consequences :)  So, he's changed that medication to another, and hopefully, that should work better. Sometimes I think he has no idea what he's on  about... He's upped my other medication just because. Makes no sense.

I had also come to terms with staying part time with uni, so all I have left is this year and next year. And then tonight I read my uni emails and discover that I've received an email about my program and instead of having 3 1st semester subjects and 3 2nd semester subjects to complete, I have 4 1st semester and 2 2nd semester subjects. Really, I'm done studying. I just want to graduate. But apparently everyone in this household doesn't think I can do it, that I already have too much on my plate and wont be able to cope with the stress. I have emailed the lady back to make a time to discuss it all with her.

Anyway

J is in grade 1 this year... where did the time go?? I miss him when he's at school. E misses him when he's at school. He's growing up too fast. J received an Academic award for his Prep class (2 from each class up to grade 7 were selected). Today we school stationery shopped. He hated it. I would have loved it more if it was all for me. Last year, he lost both bottom front teeth, the 2 at the top became loose last year too. Only yesterday and today did one of them (and it was the 2nd one to become wobbly) become wobbly enough to set the tooth fairy on standby. It's hanging in there though, perhaps tomorrow.

E continues to surprise me. Most days it's her use of language, some days it's her insight. Rarely it's been behaviour, but last week has been hard. She's been having accidents, like forgetting to go to the toilet until she wets herself slightly. An earache (probably from the pool). SCREAMING just because she can and wont tell anyone anything, screaming when she's in trouble, not going to sleep (one night she was up until 10 screaming. She was so overtired but kept screaming and crying. It carried through to the next day, too). But for the most part, she seems so grown up. I swear she was taller and smarter than when I dropped her to daycare...

I will update photos later.
I pick E up from Daycare today, and she tells me (pointing to a little boy)...
"He was in the kitchen with me" (toy kitchen)
"Oh, that must have been nice"
"No, he's a boy, like J. Not allowed in the kitchen"

I certainly didn't teach her that.

Tonight we had to have a chat that men make good chefs, and named a few famous ones (Andrew named Heston Blumenthal, Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey and Fast Ed (from Better Homes and Gardens)).