I have a fear. Don't we all? I mentioned (least I think I did) my fear I had during my pregnancy, about an undesirable outcome.
Well, I'll share a secret. It's manifested into a post partum fear quite similar. I'm not sure how long it can be considered post partum, as the baby is 7mths old.
The fear is this : SIDS. Yes it's a risk for every baby. There's also an acronym for the older child who passes without any obvious cause. Every parent worries about one (or both in my case) it.
But I think I need to see someone about it. Someone not going to laugh at me, or tell me every mother does the same thing, or "you'll get over it"... They don't.
I check my children - especially at night - quite frequently. Most times I can hear Jensen as I walk down the hallway. So he's ok *that* time. I pull his blanket back up, kiss his cheek and whisper "I love you". Eden sleeps more quietly, so I hold my breath and wait. Wait for a noise, a breath, a sigh or something. I can look for the rise and fall of her chest in the dim light from down the hallway. Even if I can see it, I think, perhaps I was swaying or it was the light and my eyes playing tricks. So I wait a bit longer. If there's no significant deep breath. I'll tickle her cheek or little hand until she fidgets and moves away. Only then am I satisfied. Sometimes she'll draw a deep breath in and I panic its a last breath. Once I'm satisfied she's ok, I walk away. If I'm Still awake 30 mins later. It's done all over again. I'll check just before I fall asleep and start again when I wake up, whether it's an hour or 3 hours later. Whether she woke me or not. If she woke me, I'll feed her, put her in her cot back asleep, check on Jensen, go back into Eden to start the 'routine'.
This all happens through the day, but less frequently, as she doesn't sleep as long, and Jensen doesn't sleep through the day. The panic and routine still happen through the day.
I feel silly telling you this. I'm only saying something as I read about post partum anxiety in a magazine. Even Andrew thinks I may have this. There was a list in the article and I check almost every one.
I think the teething was just the teeth moving in the gums, coz no teeth yet! The clingyness is still there, just not as bad. She's now rolling all around the loungeroom and could probably roll herself to her room!
She's started to move her body to lean over to crawl from sitting, she's almost there! Also too, she puts her hands up into furniture as if she's going to haul herself up!
She prefers to be outside. Put her on the floor inside= cry. Outside =happy baby!
The weekend just gone was a big one. Not in terms of what we did, but what actually happened. Saturday, Eden had her first swim. Jensen and I also had a swim. Discussed pool safety with Nanna (coz they have the pool). Jensen had a sleepover at Nanna's.
Sunday. We come back over to pick him up and Jensen, Eden and I have another swim, this time with Nanna. It was getting breezy and looking ready to storm again, so I handed Eden to Andrew and hopped out, leaving Jensen with Nanna. Andrew and I went inside, he changed her into warm clothes while I redressed into mine. I sat down with Eden to feed her, Andrew sat down too as he had been sick all weekend. A few minutes later, a desperate cry from Nanna screamed out my name. I couldn't get up fast enough, so by the time I mentioned for Andrew to head out there, Pop had been called and Andrew followed. I put Eden into her cot, now snoozing, and dashed outside. Jensen is stunned and crying.
"He's gone under the water". Nice. What every mother wants to hear. Apparently, he's been riding the pool noodle like a horse and it 'bucked' him off. Nanna had been, according to her, behind him - in arms reach - and heard him make three splashes and then nothing. She turned around to see him under the water with his hands on his head. He was apparently in arms reach, so she plucked him out, dragged him out of the water and called out for me.
I keep hearing "He was only under a couple of seconds". Yes. But he was STILL UNDER. He was frightened for a little while when I got there, but we came inside and hung out snuggled up on the couch for a lil while. He seemed ok then. The next worry was Secondary Drowning. Thankfully, I didn't need to worry about that one.
Everyone seemed, and still seems, so blasé about it. He was only under a few seconds... A few seconds is all it takes.
To make matters WORSE, Nanna tells me that it happened on Saturday too. I can't think how though, she wasn't in the pool, and I certainly didn't have to drag him out.
She tells me that now she feels she can't be trusted to watch him in the pool anymore, and that either myself or Andrew needs to be there as well with her.
We had a swimming lesson today (a make up one, so today is not our normal day) and Jensen is now afraid to put his head under water, or to swim properly. This is his 3rd term swimming, and they teach what happens if you go under water (swim to the side of the pool - which he can tell you - but we think he was trying to swim for Nanna) A few weeks ago, the swim teacher told me he's nearly ready to move up a level. Now I think that he's gone backwards and it'll take ages to get back to where he was.
As I watched him swimming today, I was upset. I'm not sure if I'm upset that he isn't swimming the way he used to, or that he nearly drowned or that it's my fault that I wasn't there to watch him, or that I don't think that I offer him enough support to try and get 'over' his fear. I know that this isn't something he's just going to get 'over' but I was hoping against hope that he would be brave and that it wouldn't affect him. I do feel like it's all my fault. That i'm a bad mother for wanting him to suck it up, as it were, and not be afraid - just swim normally.
On the way home, I did try to bribe him with a toy to swim normally. He just kept telling me that when he's a bigger boy he can do it, and that he's not a bigger boy yet. He talks like this when he doesn't want to do something.
Despite all that, I told him at dinner that I'm proud of him, no matter what happens. To which he told me that he's proud of me no matter what happens ;)
To go on from the taxi driver in the previous post, the wednesday the following week, I went to step on to the zebra crossing. I had a pram with a baby in it, laden with groceries as well. I watched a police van speed down the street, didn't even slow down for me on the crossing. (it's an actual street, so it could be a 20km zone, it could also be a 40km zone. There is reverse angle parking on either side, a library on one side and the supermarket - where I was - on the other.) The police driver saw me, looked at me. He saw me, I saw him, but he kept going. The street isn't very long, so he had to slow down at the T section.
But.... Who do I complain to about the police now? Well, not complain, but who do I tell this to?
OMG. The other week, I followed a taxi for about 10 minutes, through quite clearly marked "60"km speed zones, 2 of which were school zones. They were out of school zone hours (I think it was about midday), but school zones nonetheless. There was no way he was doing 60. 70km at the least. Swerving all over the place.
I could quite clearly see the cab number, but I couldn't read the "Professional Driving" number on the back. Finally, as we neared the traffic lights at the first of the school zones, he (I'm assuming it's a he, I don't think I've ever seen a female taxi driver, but doesn't mean there aren't any!) saw the light turn orange and he floored it, only he realised he wasn't going to make it and slammed on his brakes. He stopped (and stayed there) hugely over the line. While waiting for the lights to turn green, I could finally see the phone number.
Lights turn green, off he flies! doing way more than speed limit of 70km, through a round-a-bout and swings right at another set of lights into the 2nd school zone (a primary school this time) and just disappears down the street. Unbelievably fast.
Disgusted and shaken I've called the number.... and it rang out. Not impressed. Rang again and got Lost Property. She took my message anyway and then said that she'd pass it on to the right person.
About a week later, I got a phone call from the taxi company, asking me to verify some details of why I had called. He told me that he could see from the gps tracker on the taxi where he had been and how fast he was going. I confirmed that the main road was a 70km zone and he said the driver was doing 82km in that 70km zone, "well over the 10% margin" he reckons. He tells me he has had words with this driver before, and now "he has the information he needs to deal with driver properly". I can only imagine this means he's fired. Kinda hoping he was. That was incredibly dangerous and scary to watch. Thank God he didn't have any passengers.
So, is the clingy-ness teething or an age group thing? I'm not allowed out of her sight!
It's midnight and she's got a temp. Temp, not a fever, and panadol seem to have taken some of the "heat" from her head. Her body is still a bit warm. Has had a big bf and is back in her bed. So paranoid she's going to have a febrile convulsion and we're not going to know. J had one at 18 mths when his fever spiked and needed to be resuscitated.
Back to the gym on Monday just gone! I went to a different gym coz the class I wanted to go to was on on Tuesday (at the same time) when we had a dr appt for skin issue.
Finally feeling better ( and a bit confused as to what day it was coz I'd been a day earlier) and picked Jensen up from daycare Wednesday, he asked if we could go to the gym. I said no, but the other lil boy asked if Jensen could come and she said he was coming to the gym! A bit confused, I finally realised she meant I was coming too. We went home, I hot changed and went too!
Normally I'm not motivated to go on my own (she had a PT session so I really was on my own), but I got on that treadmill and I walked. And ran for 1 minute spurts. 16 mins of that, then 30kg leg presses and some sort of other thing for my arms that I can't remember how much weight I had on it or what it was called.
I came home sweaty! I actually pushed myself ! Very pleased. Felt like I needed to throw up at one stage, so I must have done something right!
Back today to bodybalance, and have booked the kids into the crèche tomorrow morning to go to bodypump. Hopefully Andrew can watch the Saturday so I can go to Zumba. I need to move this body and look good!
The overall plan is to get all the housework done either before the kids get up, or after they go to bed so I can spend as much time as I can with them, coz currently, I'm just not on top of it. Apparently I have bad time management skills. Also, somewhere in between playing and housework I need to study! This exam isn't going to pass itself. Once I have all this done and some sort of structure to my days, I will be blogging more often and every day.