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Thursday, 27 October 2011

Fear

I have a fear. Don't we all? I mentioned (least I think I did) my fear I had during my pregnancy, about an undesirable outcome.

Well, I'll share a secret. It's manifested into a post partum fear quite similar. I'm not sure how long it can be considered post partum, as the baby is 7mths old.

The fear is this : SIDS. Yes it's a risk for every baby. There's also an acronym for the older child who passes without any obvious cause. Every parent worries about one (or both in my case) it.

But I think I need to see someone about it. Someone not going to laugh at me, or tell me every mother does the same thing, or "you'll get over it"... They don't.

I check my children - especially at night - quite frequently. Most times I can hear Jensen as I walk down the hallway. So he's ok *that* time. I pull his blanket back up, kiss his cheek and whisper "I love you". Eden sleeps more quietly, so I hold my breath and wait. Wait for a noise, a breath, a sigh or something. I can look for the rise and fall of her chest in the dim light from down the hallway. Even if I can see it, I think, perhaps I was swaying or it was the light and my eyes playing tricks. So I wait a bit longer. If there's no significant deep breath. I'll tickle her cheek or little hand until she fidgets and moves away. Only then am I satisfied. Sometimes she'll draw a deep breath in and I panic its a last breath. Once I'm satisfied she's ok, I walk away. If I'm
Still awake 30 mins later. It's done all over again. I'll check just before I fall asleep and start again when I wake up, whether it's an hour or 3 hours later. Whether she woke me or not. If she woke me, I'll feed her, put her in her cot back asleep, check on Jensen, go back into Eden to start the 'routine'.

This all happens through the day, but less frequently, as she doesn't sleep as long, and Jensen doesn't sleep through the day. The panic and routine still happen through the day.

I feel silly telling you this. I'm only saying something as I read about post partum anxiety in a magazine. Even Andrew thinks I may have this. There was a list in the article and I check almost every one.

Now.... Do I admit this out aloud to someone?

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