Can anyone tell me, when I get up at the normal time 7am-ish I want to be asleep by 7:30pm-ish coz I've just run out of energy and am exhausted and tired.... But when I wake early, I'm awake until late? Today I got up at 4:15am to Eden, couldn't get back to sleep, but I'm still awake at quarter to midnight?

Night time washing line fun

Tonight, I had washing to hang out, just before 8pm. As bedtime is 7pm for Jensen, he was up late. It's not a kindy night, he's been good today -a treat, if you will. Andrew was busy swearing at his computer (something was going wrong), Jensen was looking frustrated and bored, but not ready for bed. So I asked him to put on a dressing gown and some slipper boots, and grab a torch and he could help me hang out the washing. Oh wow, to see that boys eyes light up was something special! I've never seen him move so fast to find a dressing gown! He loved it! Got to shine his torch and make shadows! He ended up hurting himself when he brushed against the brickwork and wanted to go back inside. As he was leaving me at the clothesline, he called back and sincerely asked if I was going to be ok on my own in the dark.

Love my boy!

Only my child would exclaim "mm mmmm!" with a smile on her face as she walks away eating a dry weetbix...

a long day, debrief

My kids are alive. They may be sick with the flu, or asthma, but they're alive. But after the day they've given me... they're lucky. That is just a figure of speech, but holy crap. I'm sick with bronchitis at the moment, sore throat, aches, headache and a feeling of blocked inside my head like you've gone up a mountain, or are flying in an aeroplane. Constantly. Since Tuesday. It's Thursday. And from the moment that I felt ill, there seemed to send out some sort of pulse to my children - making them be the most annoying, push me to the brink children that they can be.

Jensen seems to be trying to piss me off at all times. He was sick last week, and now has a cough. He just will not do what I ask, backchats, dawdles, when I say no - it's like challenge for him to do what ever it was I said no to until I give in. I'd like to hold out and be the 'bad guy' by putting my foot down, but I really just do not have the energy. I am mentally and physically exhausted. It's 7:20pm and I'm in bed. Jensen had the biggest tantrum about 20 mins ago about not going to bed and he started screaming and crying (the newest craze in annoying in this house), which woke his sister. I literally dragged him down the hallway by his arm, out the front door and sat him in the pram that was outside. By the time we were outside, I had calmed down (the dark seems to do that for me, the wind through the trees and the temperature was also quite calming), and spoke to him quietly to calm down and take a deep breath and stop crying. I had explained, numerous times since Tuesday, that mummy is SICK and is not feeling well, and that he had to behave. Apparently, none of that sinks in. Anyway, he calmed down, but had woken Eden. He agreed it was bedtime (and then told me he was too tired to walk back inside...), and that he had to appologise to Andrew (as it was for him that the tantrum was thrown). He is currently asleep in our bed, in the hopes that Eden would settle herself back to sleep.

Eden hasn't been much better, but has been giving us grief for the last week. Absolutely rubbish sleep, sleeping for 20 mins, then waking, but no way was she going back to sleep. One night she was awake for TWO HOURS. Coincidently, a day I had to be up 3 hours later for work. That was one long day! We did work out what was causing it - a bottom left molar. Took 4-ish loooong days to come through, but it's finally here! Unfortunately, she is also still getting 2 more molars and 3 more teeth - ALL AT THE SAME TIME RIGHT NOW. Not only has she a runny nose, a horrible horrible cough and sores where there should never be, but she's getting all these teeth. The poor little thing.

I broke today. I called Andrew at lunch time and was almost ready to ask him to come home. I was shouting at Eden to shut up, not only for her incessant whinging, but because it was LOUD in my head. Jensen - well, see above. Just would not do what I asked, tested boundaries etc. (at one pointed, I was tempted to leave them play outside by themselves, but it was too squelchy and the middle of the day, so I'm pleased my common sense got out of bed for that one). I was in tears. I cried. Then Eden cried with me and came up, gave me a hug and patted me on the back. That did make me feel better. I thought she may be tired after her only 30 min nap earlier so I took her down for a feed and a nap. She finally fell asleep after about 20 minutes, but woke when I put her into her cot. Left her there for a bit, but ended up 'rescuing' her. Not long later, Jensen got into trouble for something, so he was put on his bed. He finally was allowed to get off his bed, and asked to do some craft (well, he called it collage). We sat down to do that, and besides annoying me by asking to do the glue (which was NO coz he'd squeeze it everywhere) we had quiet, calm fun for 30-40 mins. Even Eden got in on it. She enjoyed painting and drawing, and I'm thinking we'll have to do this again tomorrow. Better planned though. Just can't leave Eden with pencils, she thinks the walls are a canvas.

Andrew has finally taken Jensen to bed, it's 7:40. Eden put herself back to sleep and didn't wake when Jensen was put to bed, so it's now good night from me. Thanks for listening to my debrief, Don't judge me. My kids may have been yelled at today and cried and carried on (and not smaked! Coz really where does that get anyone?), but they were fed, clothed, and most of all, loved.  Now I'm in tears thinking of how today could have been managed better. Dragging them to the dr, 40 mins away, tomorrow, and have promised if they're good, they can go to the park.... Wish me luck.

A bit going on here lately. I will sit down and write it all down. I just don't want to. I don't even want to menu plan, and I love menu planning.

Long story short. 

Eden is very clingy. Wont let me out of her sight. Prefers to be outside than inside. Sleeps for perhaps 40-50 in total for the day. I get nothing done.

Jensen has been totally out of character. He has started to punch and be completely over-the-top rough. The other night, he was asked to go and get Eden for her bath. This was on the day that Eden fell head first into the door. He went and PUNCHED her in the face, on the other side thankfully, but still. He punched her. In the face. Then, we had a playdate at Jensen's kindy friends' place and he didn't want to leave. I had spoken to him about how he was to conduct himself when we were to leave. He did not behave. He threw himself at the ground. When I tried to lift him up, he punched me in the face, knocking my glasses to the ground, kicked at me, grabbed my throat and tried to choke me. I was completely disgusted and embarrassed at his behaviour. I threw him into the car, onto the seat that's beside his carseat. He wouldn't get in that, tried to throw himself out of the car. I picked him back up and threw him into his carseat. (and when I say throw, I didn't hurt him).  I don't know how I'm going to look at his friends mother tomorrow at Kindy. I dare say we wont be invited back.

I passed 1st semester at uni. Probably scraped through by the skin of my teeth, but I passed. But this semester there are 4 weeks of prac. And hard work by the sounds of things. I'm scared out of my mind. I honestly don't know if I can do this, either full time or part time. I know Andrew just wont understand. I do know I need to see someone about what action I should take. Full time or part time. I need to be with my kids while they are little.... I want to go part time, but for some reason there's a part of me that needs to do this full time. I just don't know.

We're moving at the end of the year, I think it's putting pressure on me and I think Jensen too, perhaps that's the reason he's acting out like he is.

I am also teary right now. My baby boy starts prep next year.