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Sunday, 3 February 2013

What about me?!

what is the point of having friends, or trying the make them? Freaking waste of time. I have online friends, but a bare few in real life. I am trying to make new ones, especially at school - for both mine and his sake. It is only the first week, but so far I suck at it.

I'm having a down day (mostly this afternoon, and I partly blame that time of the month). My body image sucks, my body sucks, my parenting stinks, I swear my children hate me at times, I'm sure I can add Andrew to that little list too. I'm struggling through university - even though this semester hasn't started yet, I'm sure it's going to be hard (and only get harder). I have constant hamstring ache. I feel unsupported in so many ways from Andrew. There are moments where I think 'I'm doing this on my own anyway, maybe I should just make it so'. Where would that get me? Just as lonely as I am now.

A work colleague of mine is on my fb friends list. She's just posted that she's out for the night with the girls. One of which is another colleague from work, one I'm friends with. Then there's 2 more photos - of which it looks like half our staff is there, including the boss. I wasn't invited. Andrew tries to tell me it's coz I don't work very often. That excuse doesn't sit with me, because there isn't that many of us at work.... After seeing the photo that had the boss in it, and realising half of work was out, I just lost it. I think I cried for 5 minutes. Why the hell do I bother making friends when nobody bothers to ask me anywhere anything. (to be fair, the 2nd work colleague mentioned did invite me to her nutrimetics party the other week, I was so stoked to be invited somewhere!)

I do try to make new friends, Andrew's response is "Well, you can be difficult to get along with". What kind of cheer up, please stop crying over nonsense is that kind of fucking comment. He's supposed to be supportive. That is not supportive. That's just you-really-don't-give-a-shit. I took off outside, and just sat out there, watching the wind through the trees, just listening to it all. It's my calm, the sound of nature. It was lovely (albeit the wind was cold), until the air conditioner Andrew had on started it's motor.

Andrew got to go out tonight and have dinner with one of his friends. They comment on how 'tight the waitress' arse is' and that 'you could bounce a coin off it'. I don't give a fucking hoot. fuck you. Don't tell me these things, least of all when I'm all emotional about everything.

I don't get a wind-down after 'work' - whether the 'stay at home mum "work"' or my actual job. I'd like to go out with the girls or even out with someone, anyone, who gives a hoot how I'm doing emotionally and mentally. Find me someone who can do that.

My party has been all booked and confirmed. Lets just see how many people actually come. Then... are they coming for my benefit, or because it's at a bar and there'll be a bar tab? Who is actually there for me?

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