Toilet talk

Eden woke up today, while we're away overnight, sat for a while then told me she wants to do a wee (coz J told her he was going to the toilet). Normally she says stuff like that coz she just wants to do what J is doing. Anyway, J came back and they both went to the toilet. He helped her take her pj's off and nappy off and put her onto the toilet. He told me to come up and look at her. She had a dry nappy, and even done a wee in the toilet. Omg. So proud!

Camping

We have gone away for the night last night. We were supposed to go camping last fortnight for Mother's Day, but the weather was miserable and cold. So the lovely lady rescheduled is for this fortnight (where they normally just cancel with no refund). This fortnight comes and it's raining on and off, even colder and the weather report says "gusty to damaging winds" for our destination. Well. They're right. So Andrew wanted to cancel, but then decided (and persuaded me) to see if we could upgrade to a cabin. We did, even got a cheaper price and our money from the campsite taken off that price. It's a lovely little cabin, in the national park.  It's still cold, very windy, but lm pleased he convinced me not to camp. The kids were sick already, least they won't be getting any sicker. 

The kids, right now, are trying to wake Andrew up. E won't- saying "no, I won't. I'm cooking a cup of tea!"

Medication

So. Medication. I am on medication. I'm not sure if it's making any difference, it is only the end of day 2. Mind you, I was having a good day the day before I started the meds, and yesterday (day 1).

A side effect of the medication is, apparently for the first few days, is nausea. And oh my gosh, they're not wrong. It's worse than being pregnant. See if you can follow this : Instead of the nausea starting in your stomach (eg: feeling queasy), the feeling starts with a gag reflex then with the queasy. So many times I have nearly spewed. It's awkard. And it hits around 1pm. All I need to do is yawn, cough, say certain words and the urge to hurl comes rushing at me. It's nearly 9pm now, and I still feel this way.

Just thinking back now, I think coincidently, I have reduced appetite, too. That'll work in my favour!

The one where I admit it.

I have been procrastinating writing this post.

I am a bitch. To everyone. Andrew, the kids, my in laws. Everyone. Apparently thats why I don't have friends, because I don't tolerate bullshit, I don't like small talk (if it's not an awkward situation, then why ruin it with  mindless chatter? I don't need to know just how much coffee you used, or that you MUST cook with these mushrooms tonight, or what you're watching - I just don't care).  I hate the way people (namely my father-in-law) speaks to my children (and the main point of this entry will be me admitting that I speak worse to them, so that makes me a hypocrite - and I also dislike those people). I'm stressing about money, housework, uni (even though I procrastinate studying), the kids, their school work and their behaviours. I need more sleep than what I'm getting. I need to work more, but hate leaving the kids. I need - NEED - to have my own house. There's nothing wrong with being here with the in-laws, but I feel confined and scrutinised and like I've lost my identity as a person. I just exist.

That's just how I'm feeling. I just exist. I understand children will be children, and just don't listen to their parents, but the hopeless feeling is amplified when they don't listen.  I know they are well behaved children. And I find myself yelling at them. Constantly. Over the most littlest, most trivial things.  I can't help it and I don't know why. And I do it all the time. I have noticed that it is more in the evening.

A few months ago, I was prescribed something to help me deal with E and her tantrums/ screaming/ hyperactivity/ general two-year-old behaviour (J was - and still is - a very calm child. It's all very overwhelming). The sticker says "one three times a day". At the time, I was taking them one as needed. I don't like to medicate unless I have to - me or the kids - but all of a sudden, I have no idea whats going on. I'm angry. all the time. I have horrible thoughts. I have diminished appetite. I have no motivation to do anything (including this post). I cry. A lot. Every day. Right now. I feel stupidly emotional. And numb. Sometimes both at the same time. Like I'm just someone that lives here. I'm no one's mother, daughter-in-law or wife. Just a housemate, one who shares a bed (and on most nights, with 3 bodies!).There's no intimacy. I'm not talking about adult intimacy, just intimacy in general.    J tells me a lot that he loves me, I know E wonders why I cry and I think she thinks it's her fault. And it's not until they're in bed that I realise how shit a parent I've been and I can't take today back. I can't take any of it back. I don't want them to grow up like me, or hating me, remembering when mummy was having an internal meltdown that leaks out in the form of anger.  I know everything I want, but nothing all at the same time. Every thing seems so far away. I'm never going to get anywhere. The deposit for a house. A house. My nursing degree. It all seems so unattainable.


I think I'm ready to admit it. I have made an appointment to confirm it on Monday night.

I think I have depression.

Which makes the whole thing even more depressing (for lack of a better word). I feel like I have failed. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I don't want to end up like my dad. He's just one crazy mess. I've fucking inherited mental illness.

Unexpected conversation

Took J to bed tonight, just like every other night. The moment his head hit the pillow, however, he started bawling,  saying he didn't want to die, that when he dies, he doesn't want to leave this house. It was so disturbing and upsetting to see him like that. He couldn't tell me how or where the idea came to him. I had a little chat to him, as did Andrew and Nanna and Pop. It took an hour to calm him down. He's calm now, and asleep, but I dare say that he'll be in in the middle of the night. He has asked raisin toast for breakfast. I said that I didn't have any, so I'd run up to the bakery tomorrow and grab some before he woke up, so he can have breakfast in bed. He sat straight up, and told me "Don't run up there - walk. I don't want you to waste petrol just to get some raisin bread from the shop".

Oh, my baby's brain is working overtime for someone so young.

Jensen told us tonight that he had to go to such-and-such a person's office today at school. He couldn't rmemeber her name, but she was the under-principal (the deputy-principal). In absolute horror, my mother in law and I asked why he was there. "I had to go there to see her, and show her my good work!"

My gosh, heart failure!

Apparently, today when we were at the health nurse, apparently the health nurse had to keep reminding herself that Eden was only 2 (and nearly 2 months) instead of 3. Apparently she speaks really well.

Hooray! We are finally getting somewhere with toilet training! Just now, she farted and said "oh! I have to do a wee" . We ran to the toilet, but she had let off with a bit of the runs. I had her sit on the toilet, and it all just followed. So proud of her for telling me! I put a new nappy on her, she started colouring again, then looked up and said "I need to wee again!" She fumbled with the lid of her marker, but she had already done a wee. BUT, she can tell me!

Sleep. I need some!

Feeling totally emotionally drained today. I fought with Andrew over granola. Who the hell does that? I wanted to start another personal paleo challenge today (May 1st), and by making granola this became my 'cereal'. Apparently it's the best topping to the full-to-the-brim cereal that Andrew eats. Both he and Jensen are eating heaps at the moment (Jensen, day before yesterday, ate two sachets of minute oats - I can eat one).

Eden is stressing me out, she's not sleeping well. Going to bed is fine, staying asleep in it is impossible. Regardless if she day naps or not, she sleeps like shit. Awake about 4 times a night and either falls back asleep instantly in mine or Nannas bed. Will sleep through the night in ours (or nannas bed), but not in her own. But she treats our bed, or their bed, like her own and starfishes and sleeps all over the place. Occasionally, Jensen joins in too, waking in the night and comes in to us. Makes 4 bodies in a queen bed, and both starfish. I'm the one that feels like they need to get up and sleep somewhere else. Both get shitty when I try to move them. Andrew sleeps through it all.