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Friday, 17 May 2013

The one where I admit it.

I have been procrastinating writing this post.

I am a bitch. To everyone. Andrew, the kids, my in laws. Everyone. Apparently thats why I don't have friends, because I don't tolerate bullshit, I don't like small talk (if it's not an awkward situation, then why ruin it with  mindless chatter? I don't need to know just how much coffee you used, or that you MUST cook with these mushrooms tonight, or what you're watching - I just don't care).  I hate the way people (namely my father-in-law) speaks to my children (and the main point of this entry will be me admitting that I speak worse to them, so that makes me a hypocrite - and I also dislike those people). I'm stressing about money, housework, uni (even though I procrastinate studying), the kids, their school work and their behaviours. I need more sleep than what I'm getting. I need to work more, but hate leaving the kids. I need - NEED - to have my own house. There's nothing wrong with being here with the in-laws, but I feel confined and scrutinised and like I've lost my identity as a person. I just exist.

That's just how I'm feeling. I just exist. I understand children will be children, and just don't listen to their parents, but the hopeless feeling is amplified when they don't listen.  I know they are well behaved children. And I find myself yelling at them. Constantly. Over the most littlest, most trivial things.  I can't help it and I don't know why. And I do it all the time. I have noticed that it is more in the evening.

A few months ago, I was prescribed something to help me deal with E and her tantrums/ screaming/ hyperactivity/ general two-year-old behaviour (J was - and still is - a very calm child. It's all very overwhelming). The sticker says "one three times a day". At the time, I was taking them one as needed. I don't like to medicate unless I have to - me or the kids - but all of a sudden, I have no idea whats going on. I'm angry. all the time. I have horrible thoughts. I have diminished appetite. I have no motivation to do anything (including this post). I cry. A lot. Every day. Right now. I feel stupidly emotional. And numb. Sometimes both at the same time. Like I'm just someone that lives here. I'm no one's mother, daughter-in-law or wife. Just a housemate, one who shares a bed (and on most nights, with 3 bodies!).There's no intimacy. I'm not talking about adult intimacy, just intimacy in general.    J tells me a lot that he loves me, I know E wonders why I cry and I think she thinks it's her fault. And it's not until they're in bed that I realise how shit a parent I've been and I can't take today back. I can't take any of it back. I don't want them to grow up like me, or hating me, remembering when mummy was having an internal meltdown that leaks out in the form of anger.  I know everything I want, but nothing all at the same time. Every thing seems so far away. I'm never going to get anywhere. The deposit for a house. A house. My nursing degree. It all seems so unattainable.

I think I'm ready to admit it. I have made an appointment to confirm it on Monday night.

I think I have depression.

Which makes the whole thing even more depressing (for lack of a better word). I feel like I have failed. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? I don't want to end up like my dad. He's just one crazy mess. I've fucking inherited mental illness.

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