Something is wrong. Desperately wrong. For the last 4 days (well, there abouts, all the days feel like they're running together), I've not been sleeping well. The other night I was up until 4 am, THEN my sleeping my meds kicked in.

It's like they're not working. It used to be 10-20 min max and that's it, lights out for me.

Now I'm up for hours after taking them.

It's changing my behaviour. I'm so freaking ANGRY. 

Tonight I let loose at my 2year old. I screamed at her. I mean screamed. Disturbingly scary even for myself to hear it. Almost like I couldn't stop it, just listen on the screaming coming from me.

All I wanted was for her to lie down on her movie night mat while I bushed my teeth and took my meds. 

I has already had a melt down in the afternoon. I was trying to talk about Christmas presents,  d the kids just would-not-stop talking. It was overwhelming and too much and I had to remove myself and cry alone. I had to tell J no not now as I shut the door, which distressed him and he went to cry.

Matthew Reilly

I love Matthew Reilly books.

I first became aware of Matthew's work from a live Brisbane taping of Good News Week (way way back in 1999! Somewhere, maybe, I still have a recording of it on VCR tape...).  At the time, I think he was promoting Ice Station. I went to my local library and borrowed it out ( after a wait, of course, it became hugely popular after that show's taping and airing). I read it. I couldn't put it down!

BEST book I'd read in a long time. I actually went and bought it!

I now own all his books, albeit with different front covers.

It's like an action movie in a book, but the production budget for a movie like that would just be phenomenal.

The newest latest book to come out is Tournament, which I bought for Andrew for his birthday. Funnily enough, Mr Reilly was in town for book signings! So Andrew and I went with Tournament and my two copies of Ice Station (I lent my original to Dad. A pipe exploded at his place it got wet. He bought another to replace it, but it too got wet from the offending pipe...) and my copy of Hell Island  to be signed :) Shame I couldn't take them all. He signed the 2nd copy with my name, and even mentioned that the first copy was a 1999 edition!

I was so giddy for about an hour afterwards. I get giddy just reminiscing!

Totally starstruck

personalised signed copy of my 2nd copy of Ice Station

Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Yep. You'd think I'd have learned to use a professional photographer. Apparently not.

Wedding photos. Average.
J's first christmas. Average.
both kids first birthday were done by PixiFoto (when they were still open). Good.
Family photo while pregnant with miss E - professional - awesome
Baby photos of miss E - professional (same photographer) - awesome
(we have ones of J, too, done by pixifoto)
Family photos taken this weekend just gone by a friend... Average. Some are good, some are not, some are good but blurry.

When will I ever learn?!?!

The best family photo we have.... You can't even see our faces, only the kids

learning to crochet

I will master it one day!!

I'm trying to make a granny square blanket, but it'll be completed by the time E is a granny at this rate. Here is my progress :

with LOTS of help from my mother in law, my first granny square!

All on my own. It's not even square! :(

Love is blind

Just between you and me....

So. Andrew has this friend. That has an opiate drug prescribed to him. When Andrew visits, before he leaves, I always ask him not to do anything stupid. To him, this means drugs (which he did in his past...) To me, this means ANYTHING stupid.

He has, recently, in the last few months, come home from said friend with drugs of some description in his system. And you can tell. It's totally obvious. He's off his tree, doped out and looks like he's high. He falls alseep. He can't concentrate. He just sleeps. all the time.

As we live with his parents, they've seen it all before, so they know. They're not stupid. But you know, love is blind, and I must just not see it for what it is.

My husband is a drug user.

It may not be chronic, constant or jones-ing (that's a word, yeah?) for a hit, but he uses. And it may not be an illegal drug that he uses, but it's not prescribed to him.

So he takes this 'drug' with his friend (and they may or may not be 'smoking' together too), plus he's on his own psych medications and now cold and flu tablets (which we are assuming is for hayfever). but man, if F's him up.

A few months ago, it was really bad. I was ready to ask him to leave. Twice. But we live with his parents, so it's not really my place to kick him out from.

But yesterday I learned that his father is ready to kick him out, for the same reason. I also learned that while we were renting, A would come to his father and ask him to pay the rent. Whether or not the rent was being paid by his father, or A was paying the rent and using the borrowed money for something else is another thing.

I have so many questions, very little answers and no idea what to do about any of it, or where to start...

The kids bedrooms!

Miss E's princess room

Master J's room

The book nook. I totally want one for myself

Individual bedrooms

This morning we decided to see if J could get ready for school before 8am. He did! So we had some free play with Lego and were chatting with Nanna while we did....

SOMEHOW, and I have no recollection of how, we got onto 'today we will change the kids into their own rooms'.

I have absolutely no idea how we got to that topic, or how it was agreed on.

But it happened.

However, there is stuff everywhere in the living room.

Don't forget, we live with my inlaws, so there is our stuff and their stuff to be relocated and organised.

So there is a beautiful princess room for E, and J's room will be completed tomorrow (because I had to work tonight). Both are extremely excited.

BUT. I got verbally abused by Andrew when I got home for not telling him that we were giving the kids their own room. Even when I rang earlier (while still at work) you could hear in the back ground "I told you, I don't want to speak to her".

He's drunk, he's got red blood shot eyes, but I finally got from him that I didnt tell him that it was happening, that the living room was 'trashed, when he got home no one could tell hom what was going on (which is rubbish because his mum was home and helped me 'trash' it. He was the most upset that he "had" to eat dinner on the kitchen floor, AND there was no dinner so he had to go buy it.

wow,
I worked my arse off to do as much as I could in the little amount of time I had between dropping J to school and E to little school.

I worked HARD. I stopped at 1:30 so I could eat and get ready for work to leave at 3 for my 3:30-9pm shift at work.

I had even rung him to whinge how much my back hurt and try and get him to tell me to call in to work. His response? "well, you knew you had to work this afternoon before you started to clean the house, Its your own fault. Go to work". so i did.

So the shock rudeness I go when I got home that I didn't tell him was a but much. S now I'm lying on the couch ub J's room (because it hasn't been moved out yet) while J snores and the little princess woke and sits on my lap. We're all now camping in J's room because the utter rudeness and unwillingness to listen to me was too much.

Mental health

So...

A while back I mentioned I thought I was depressed. Turns out I was, and was put on antidepressants. Then I felt better, and stopped taking them.  I had to go back to the dr for a review, and just listening to me, he decided to send me for a psych review as he thought I may have bipolar disorder, dysthymia or adult ADHD. Wonderful.

I took Andrew along with me coz I was nervous, and he could be my collateral and say what I couldn't and what I may have missed saying (or didn't say).

I did throw him a little as he was not aware that I was thinking of harming myself. Not in a suicidal way, just in a 'if I hurt myself, maybe all the stress and anxiety bullshit I'm dealing with will seem less crushing' . It makes totally more sense in my head and words just do not describe the thoughts that go through one's head when thinking about deliberate self harm. That's as best as I can get it.

My sister airs all her (and childrens) health conditions on facebook, but I just can not seem to share mine, with anyone... Outside of Andrew, his mother and one friend of mine, I have told no one my diagnosis.

I have Bipolar Disorder II.

As far as I'm aware, it's very similar to Bipolar Disorder I but the manic and the depressive episodes are less severe in Bipolar II.

I have been put on medication (my absolute least favourite option - I even dislike taking paracetemol). At my follow up appointment this week, I have marked improvement - which is a great thing. The psych was surprised, but I'm not sure if he's surprised that I improved, or that he got it right the first time.

However, I do very much miss my manic phase. I NEED to be busy. My mind races a million miles an hour about little things like what I have to do, but it whirls and I end up running (in my head) through the order in which I do things. Then when I get around to doing things, I get side tracked and end up doing other things as well as the stuff I had to do in the first place.

BUT, I like order. And neatness. Peace and calm. Everything must line up and be just so. My pillow cases need to have the openings facing the middle on each side (so each opening faces the middle), the pegs must match. Photos must be straight or hung in-the-exact-middle of the wall... amongst other things.

Apparently this puts me in a whole other box of fun with the psych. Not looking forward to the next appointment...

Titanic

Jensen: "We were watching Titanic last night, and it was eliminated by an ice planet."