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Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Mental health

So...

A while back I mentioned I thought I was depressed. Turns out I was, and was put on antidepressants. Then I felt better, and stopped taking them.  I had to go back to the dr for a review, and just listening to me, he decided to send me for a psych review as he thought I may have bipolar disorder, dysthymia or adult ADHD. Wonderful.

I took Andrew along with me coz I was nervous, and he could be my collateral and say what I couldn't and what I may have missed saying (or didn't say).

I did throw him a little as he was not aware that I was thinking of harming myself. Not in a suicidal way, just in a 'if I hurt myself, maybe all the stress and anxiety bullshit I'm dealing with will seem less crushing' . It makes totally more sense in my head and words just do not describe the thoughts that go through one's head when thinking about deliberate self harm. That's as best as I can get it.

My sister airs all her (and childrens) health conditions on facebook, but I just can not seem to share mine, with anyone... Outside of Andrew, his mother and one friend of mine, I have told no one my diagnosis.

I have Bipolar Disorder II.

As far as I'm aware, it's very similar to Bipolar Disorder I but the manic and the depressive episodes are less severe in Bipolar II.

I have been put on medication (my absolute least favourite option - I even dislike taking paracetemol). At my follow up appointment this week, I have marked improvement - which is a great thing. The psych was surprised, but I'm not sure if he's surprised that I improved, or that he got it right the first time.

However, I do very much miss my manic phase. I NEED to be busy. My mind races a million miles an hour about little things like what I have to do, but it whirls and I end up running (in my head) through the order in which I do things. Then when I get around to doing things, I get side tracked and end up doing other things as well as the stuff I had to do in the first place.

BUT, I like order. And neatness. Peace and calm. Everything must line up and be just so. My pillow cases need to have the openings facing the middle on each side (so each opening faces the middle), the pegs must match. Photos must be straight or hung in-the-exact-middle of the wall... amongst other things.

Apparently this puts me in a whole other box of fun with the psych. Not looking forward to the next appointment...

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