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Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Lately

Lately, I've been feeling so overwhelmed and depressed. I sit here and type, tears in my eyes trying not to cry. But I have no reason to cry. I don't understand.

I know there is so much going on at the moment.

I wonder if I'm cut out for all of this at once.

Uni seems to be getting more on top of me than I realise. There's a 15 min presentation (with 5 mins of question time) to prepare. 2 essays. 3 exams in 2weeks time, the presentation is in 3 weeks time. Not sure when the essays are due. And they're just the mid semester ones.

Vaccinations for prac placement. Doctors appointments. All costs money, and time.

Work. I work coz we need the money.

I miss my son everyday when he's at day care and I'm at home. I feel like the worst parent ever that he's 4 doors up at daycare. I feel like I should be able to everything while he's here. It's like "You're a hinderance right now, go away to this lady for 3 days a week" or "It's to hard to be a parent. Go to daycare so I can parent part-time". I know it benefits both of us. He gets social skills and does things that we dont do at home. I get my uni work done, and clean the house. No me time, just homework and housework.

Then they both come home and the I don't want to work on my uni stuff any more. I want to DO things with them. The husband has been at work all day, I can understand he needs to have a break, but then he's on the couch, or in the pantry/fridge, doesn't want to go anywhere or help with anything.

The house becomes an instant mess, and even more so after dinner. Dishes just get left on the table, or chucked into the sink for me to do. It doesn't set a good example for our son. The loungeroom floor becomes the biggest car track and toys are strewn everywhere. J is toilet training, but when he calls out he needs to go to the toilet, I'm the only one that hears him but the husband wont get up off the couch and says he didn't hear him.

SPEND TIME WITH US! HELP ME OUT!

Before we went camping on Sunday, I had asked if he could stack and unstack the dishwasher. He unstacked it. Left all the dirty dishes in the sink. Really. Use your brain. I tried to tidy before we left, but then there was an arguement over something. I'm over it.

Sometimes I think... If I wanted to do it all myself, I may as well move out coz I do it all myself anyway. Somedays it feels like he just lives here. I know its not. It just feels that way (and a big thankyou to my uni friend for her words, you know who you are )

Then my depression goes deeper. I was so horrible to my mum when I was a teenager, probably when she needed me the most. She has said, years ago, that she's forgiven me, but will never forget. I feel so horrible. I can never take back what I did and never get back what I could have had.

The presentation at uni is on divorce and the socio-economic, environmental and psycho-social contributions and how as a nurse you can help. Looking for a you-tube video on that was so depressing. All these videos on how divorce hurts children. Its sad and it's not helping my mental state.

I don't blame either parent for the divorce. To be honest, I don't want to know the inner workings of what happened. Mum did try to mention something a few months ago. I just don't want to know. That sounds horrible, and mum probably just wants to be able to discuss it, I don't think I'm ready

Right now, I just need a hug from my baby or my husband [or my mum :)] but they're all at work and will think it's all just silly business.

I'm off to wash my face and get back into the assignments, and pretend like I'm the happy person I appear to be. :)

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