Day care drop off

Dropped E off at daycare this morning. She got into the grounds and a little girl called out her name and ran over to her and they hugged each other. OMG, I didn't realise she had an actual friend, I thought she just played with everyone. She does talk about a little girl (assumedly this one) and a boy.

As I was leaving, another little girl comes over and starts telling me she's 3 and asking questions (like where did I get my sneakers...). E says something (must have been the little girls name) and then states "but I don't like her."

Wow.

I told her it wasn't nice to say that. I don't remember what the little girls reaction was, but I feel sorry for her.

I was watching out the corner of my eye in the rear view mirror at E. My brain, some strange random reason, didn't look at  her lips, I *saw* them. They are still tiny and chubby, while she outgrows her baby face.

AAAANNNNNDDDD I'm back (again)

I'm back

I have no idea what I've been doing, but I have been thinking I need to be back..

I need a place to vent, to let go, to remind myself there is a part of me other than mother/ wife/ student/ employee. To record and reminisce.

I can't remember what has happened since July, but what I do know is...

J is trying out ballet for a term. (now wants to do little athletics - only today he was sick home from school {again}, little a's is tomorrow and I'm not risking it).

Third year nursing degree is HARD.  I'm over it. Not the difficulty - the fact that this is my 5th year. I'm done. I sorta want to quit. Technically, there's one year and 1/2 a semester left. But far out. It's too long. In the grand scheme of things, its only a little bit of my life. Still. It feels like forever away.

I want out of this house, soon. We are nowhere near deposit ready, but we are so ready to have our own place. Things are done my in laws way, not ours.  I just want to put things/do things/leave things etc my way, how I want. I only wanted to be here 1 year. This November marks 2 years. The way things are going deposit-wise, it's looking like another 2 years. I don't know if I can do that. HOWEVER, if it does take that long, I will be (hopefully) registered and working for a year by then and it will be more money and decent hours of employment.

Sometimes it's hard to look that far into the future. The prize is there, just it's so hard to see.

I have started eating more healthy (around 85% paleo again) since the 1st of this month. I need to shift this weight. I want to remove 10kg by Christmas. That will bring me to a weight I will be comfortable with (that I've been trying to get to since 2008). I won't be in the 'healthy weight range' bracket that health professionals want you to be at, but I'll look and feel better.

25 - 31 August 2014

25 August

Eden wrote her name #threenager

She had another go. Much more focused!

26 August
an hour and a half early for my computer lab. Boring. Guess I'll work on this assignment.

27 August
Jensen just said to me : "I like your expression!" Turns out I was smiling... I'm not sure how to take that...

Oh, come on Apple. This is a joke. I have only just had this problem fixed last month..... AND I have an assignment due Friday. NOT happy

28 August
Another trip booked to the Genius Bar at the Apple store tomorrow  stupid MacBook.

29 August
Thank God it's Friday. Assignment draft submitted, even with all the drama (including ms word drama at 5am on Robert's laptop). Now to sort of my laptop out.

So, apparently, I need parkrun barcodes for tomorrow...

30 August
Park run (walk) time: 56:47. I'm obviously unaccustomed to walking, coz now my legs ache.

31 August
It begins!

Swimming season is nearly here!

My board game buddy

15-23 August 2014

15 August:
Another day off for Jensen, though I would have sent him. So, then, no uni for me either. This assignment is never going to get done.

16 August:

17 August:

Eden, in her delirium last night, was telling me about Megan and her baby. Apparently she watched Cars movie there. Today, this same Megan has " a baby in her tummy". She is adamant that there is a Megan. My brain is in sick mode - who IS this Megan??

24mini cupcakes, badly iced for J's birthday tomorrow at school #7thbirthday

Fever Eden keeps muttering and saying weird things. She's awake, but "Jensen needs to move over" (he's in his own bed) and "what did you say, mum?" (When I said nothing) is kinda freaking me out. I already think I can hear things outside.

18 August:

Good thing I was feeling better by last night, because Eden was a nightmare. At one point she couldn't remember where pillows went. Right now, she's having a chat to someone, while she sleeps at the end I'd the bed (coz, remember, that's where pillows go). Please, world, be kind today

Poster, Lego shirt, Jedi shirt, skylander, bell and bicycle seat, Lego movie, Lego Star Wars game, and a plush Spider-Man (which has been claimed by E). #happy7thbirthday #ibuypresentsthroughtheyearandforget

#studybuddy

19 August

This assignment is bat-shit boring.

20 August

Not a happy camper

Jensen was going to go to Book week as Harry Potter... We have glasses and a tie, and I can draw a scar - but what else does he need??

Next year, I will not leave book week dress up til the night before...

Can you guess what he's going as for #bookweek ?

22 August

23 August

Excuse the stupid look on my face, I was kinda burning. #hottea #hospitalvisit

Never ever muck around with (and behind) your husband
with a freshly boiled hot cup of tea in your hand.
 This is what happens.
You have been warned.

August 8-14 2014

surely mr-nearly-seven isn't normal. Eat your freaking dinner kid. Lamb chops are NOT chewy, so stop acting like you're choking to death... (This is not limited to lamb, it's ANY meat). Tell me someone else has this problem.

--------
crazy raving mummy has calmed down now the kids bedrooms are clean. Shame it was at Eden's bedtime. All she wanted to do was sleep. I must be the worst mother ever (according to Andrew).

Eden comes toddling in at 1130pm. I say hello, she replies sadly "I didn't brush my teeth"

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Camp oven grub

check out RANGER NICK Bush cooking celeb chef!

August 1-7 2014

Eden: "can I please have 3 cashews"?
I accidentally hand her 4.
Eden: "that's 4, I only wanted 3."
Me: "ok, I'll have one back"
Eden gives me one back and skips off happy. Ok. I was not expecting that.

freaking out a little about the assessments for this semesters courses. One is due on the 29th of August, 2500 words and worth 50%

It's only 8am, as I have a 3hr dentist appointment, it's giant fee, I'm down at the Gold Coast and my car has overheated.

Waiting on a tow truck. On the plus side, what looks like district school athletics on the field opposite me, decently priced hot choc (made on almond milk), and uni wifi. 

This was not a kitten or puppy. This was a 3 yr old being Rapunzel.

Monica was telling Jensen : "The ekka starts tomorrow. The exhibition. There are rides and show bags. People even come from the country to see it."
Jensen (appalled and disgusted) : "What? They come to watch people die? The execution?!?"

Whose brilliant idea was it to use the pressure cooker? Oh. Mine. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing...

31 July

Loves the sunshine! #favouriteplace

26 July

Finally persuaded the apprehensive Jensen into taking off his trainer wheels and pedals to create a balance bike... He is now confident to balance!

24 July

After watching a video from the recent eisteddfods, Jensen wanted to try out ballet. He's joined a lesson for today! 

He lasted 1 term. 

2 children. 2 identical corn cobs. 2 minute shit fight over which one they want. Save me.

24 July

Daddy-daughter lunch date while I went to the gym across the road  (I couldn't make it in creche hours, and it was Andrew's lunch hour )

21 July

Choosing bedtime books is difficult. #shewantstoreadtome #threenager

20 July

Rare Daddy Daughter moment.
#children are made readers on the laps of their parents #read it again dad

19 July

I hate weekends. I'm not a freaking child referee.

Ever seen someone leave their groceries in the carpark? Me either. I have, however, just left my groceries in the carpark. Thank you to the person who moved them to the bump stop, so they were still there when I went rushing back!

Eden taking her gloves off: "No! I don't want any help! I want to take them off like Elsa!" 

18 July

"Mum, why is there green?" #Ididnthidetheavocadowellenough   #hamandcheesetoastedwrap

Dentist appointment.... Am I drooling??

17 July

First dental appointment as an adult.

Denist appointment. Dentist checks X-rays. 
Says "I need you to come in tomorrow as an emergency." 

It's a root canal. First time at a dentist as an adult and I'm up for a root canal. Wonderful. 

16 July

Andrew obviously didn't marry me for my cooking skills. I can't boil an egg properly (helps if you turn the element on the stove on) and can't make roux to save my life. Fingers crossed the tuna mornay actually tastes ok!

Perspective

one of the best scents

15 July

Afternoon tea date with J

14 July

Followed Eden around in the dark with Jensen's sonic screwdriver providing a eerie blue light and noise. Scariest Doctor Who silhouette I've ever seen. 

10 July

"Do you want to build a snowman" is almost as heartbreaking as the first 5 minutes of UP 

Fun can be had via the simplest things. Mr 6 and Miss 3 are so excited to catch the bus to the library!

I have a new blog: 

Mum Made Mine

8 July

At the library with Jensen, love hearing his laugh at the book being read!

Lunch date with my boy

I made this :

Slow Cooker Spaghetti

Crockpot Spaghetti

1 pound ground beef (500g)
1/2 onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, minced
2 cans tomatoes, cut up
8 oz can tomato sauce  ( I used 2 tins diced tomatoes)
1 cup beef bouillon (Stock)
2 teaspoons parsley
1 teaspoon brown sugar
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper

Brown meat, onion and garlic. Add to crockpot with the rest of the ingredients and cook all day. Boil your spaghetti on the stove and just add the cooked spaghetti to it. Delicious!! This makes a ton too and leftovers are just as good!

5 July

This vertigo is nauseating, frightening and it's making it extremely difficult to function as a human being... 


Of course it's a Weeping Angel episode of Doctor Who tonight. Brilliant. These ones creep me out.

4 July

It's school holidays, surely it's not too early for a chocolate crackle ?   

   #naturalnewagemumrecipe

P's = degrees! Bring on my 3rd last semester of my degree!

July 3

Jensen's heading into the city with Uncle James today. I'm so nervous to let him out into the big world without me.

============================

I got photos all day of all the activities!!

Welcome back..... and rant.

ok. Five months have passed. I better start again. I can't remember whats happened over the last few months, but eventually, I'll go back and post some photos.

Today was a bad day for me.
My in laws (who we live with) are currently house sitting, so we have the place to ourselves. My father-in-law popped over to find something. I had asked him on 3 separate occasions if someone was going to be here to watch the kids when I go to work. Yes. Each time he said that my  mother in law would be here at 230.

250 she shows up, doesn't say anything to me, walks past the kids fort they made, comes back up the hallway, asks E to pick up a plate, E says no and then mother in law says ' right, that's it. If you're going to be a naughty girl, I'm not going to look after you'. She grabs their dog (that is housesitting with them...) and gets in her car and leaves.

Does not say a word to me. There's not even a look in my direction.

She actually gets in the car and drives off.       TEN MINUTES before I have to leave for work.

I rang my husband, he's telling me 'what do you want me to do???'
I ring my mother in law and ask her if she's coming back. The conversation goes something like ' I'm not going to look after naughty children, if you're not going to discipline her then I'm not looking after her' I am stunned so I say 'fine, have a nice evening. have a nice evening - bye.' and hung up. fuck you. you live in the same house. if you have an issue with our discipline of the children, bring it up when I'm NOT about to leave for work. I don't have time for bullshit. Turn up 20 min late, so I'm already stressing about you not even turning up (I had sent a text message, but she never responded to that - for all I know she was lunching with a friend and had totally forgotten...
I ring work, in tears, just on 3pm, saying that my babysitter cancelled on me. Hang  up and who should have come back inside?? First thing I hear? "where is she now?" to the kids

Then the argument starts about lack of discipline, how a "normal person would have known I wasn't actually going to leave" . "I told you I'm not looking after naughty children" (wtf? When ? BTW - you're saying this IN FRONT of my children) "didn't answer the text because I was driving " (yeah ok, that's fine, but how was I to know that?)

Andrew's been texting me the whole time asking whats going on. He tells me to call work and see if they filled my shift. They have.

Finally, we calm down. She stays. We talk civilly. It's fine. She leaves just after 4. She give me a hug, but not before telling my daughter to stop being naughty.


Andrew gets home and says it's part my fault too, (though, I can't remember why).

We've come to the conclusion that we need some other arrangement for watching the kids of an evening when I work. Andrew has suggested after school care, all well and good, but  now I think about it, I'd have to change my uni timetable. Not include the grandparents at all. If I have to, I have to I guess.

Out of the mouths of babes

Argh! Andrew!

Eden: I'm just going to check the mail.
Me: I've already checked the mail.
Eden: Oh! No! What the F*cken??

Not impressed....

Monday

Jensen is devastated it's not Sunday. He cried because today was Monday and not a public holiday... C'mon, kid, you're only 6!

worst day

Well. This is crap.

Today was the crappiest day I have had in such a very long time.

Every night, around the kids bedtime, I have a headache.
For about a week now, I've had nightmares. A few each night, some that end, I wake up, go back to sleep and have another, or have nightmares that end, then a new one begins.
Also, if you were an outsider to my world, you'd wonder why some good looking guy features in every one of my dreams and nightmares (that's not my husband). I am having trouble dealing with a friends fathers passing.

Then, I wake up with neck aches, and sometimes headaches all over again, and today must just have been it. I don't like to use this word, but I screeched. For crying out loud, kids, please, just do as I ask. Me telling you I'm not feeling well and I have a headache does not mean procrastinate and not listen. Me having to remind you and repeat myself does not put me in a better mood. FINALLY we got to school, dropped Jensen off (grade ONE! WOW!), picked up a text book, library with Eden, came home and had a hot choc and a special macaroon with her. Then it started. The incessant whinging and carrying on... Thinking back it was all little things that all just became a huge issue. At one point, I shrieked at her. She was tired, I was exhausted and ready to fall asleep myself, I've got the stupid benign vertigo back which affects just about everything I do. Finally I was ok to go pick J up from school, but unsure as to whether I should drive and be lazy or walk and have E fall asleep in a pram. She decided she wanted to scoot on her scooter too. But far out. Don't do it people. If an over tired 2 year old wants to scoot to pick up her brother, don't let her. It took 10 minutes to get what takes me less than 5.  It's a 20 min walk. It's just not going to happen. She's going to cry, you're going to yell and get so unbelievably angry. We FINALLY made it to the little corner shops (15 minutes it took to get there, only another 5 min left to get to school and we still had a 15 minute walk left - at my pace), I called my father in law to come get us (E could have originally stayed with him, but again, the 2 year old wanted to scoot, and you pick your battles, and I just chose the wrong one and let her come with me). I was so angry, disappointed, frustrated that I was shaking. He dropped me off at school and took E home, and I walked home with J (stupid idea, the vertigo made me nearly throw up 3 times.... Just sitting here is making me sea sick. All I'm doing is typing). Then all the bullshit happened. I don't even remember what. It just all got on top of me. Just everything. Making dinner, the kids inability to listen to ANYTHING anyone says, the screaming coming from the overtired 2 year old, the screaming at the overtired 2year old by her nanna telling her to get away from the road while they put stuff into the trailer to take to the tip (I just couldn't get out there, the freaking vertigo had me with no ability to stand properly. From there, once I finally got out there, then they didn't want to eat dinner, they wanted to go for a drive to the tip (but pop changed his mind, and wasn't going), then nanna suggested pool, but they had to eat first and they didn't want to do that then once they finally got to the pool nanna was shreiking at them too not to jump in and fuck this I'm not typing out my day.  Shit went from bad to worse and everyone seemed to be yelling. I got to a point where I wanted to do something stupid to myself (I coccasionally have self harm thoughts - this was definitely one of those times), but I know that's just stupid, so I didn't do it. I was just so pissed off with the world and listening and seeing nanna get shitty with everything that had to do with myself and my children that I went fuck this I'm outta here. I grabbed my handbag, the kids and just pissed off.  (see what this is doing to me, it's making me angry all over again... even this laptop is annoying my arm and is making me angry) I went and visited my grandma, and I had dinner with her. By the time I got there, I had calmed down.

I am so sorry to my kids for my behaviour today. I hate myself, and how I am. (and now I'm crying). I want to be a better person and mum, but theres something going on that not even I have control over.  I'm so sorry to everyone who has to deal with me. I am so grateful for the friends that I have, whether they know this crazy side of me or not.

update

It's been so long since I've updated, and I really have been trying to get here to do so, but I get sidetracked... and tired.

So, I seem to be coping well with my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder. I remind anyone who reads this, not to discuss my diagnosis with anyone.  My family do not know. If they're reading this, please don't accuse me of anything or rude about it, I've not told you for a reason. Bipolar disorder has a stigma (any mental health condition does, really....) and I don't want the stigma to influence the way you interact with me. Andrew knows, obviously, and his parents (because we share a house with them) and only one other person. I am still the same person, just slightly modified.

Todays dr appt sees me discussing the fact I've been having trouble with sleep. One medication messed with my personal cycle, and silly me thinking that stopping it would cause it to go back to normal. Well, I lasted 4 or 5 days of troubled sleep and the realisation that I sleep better with that medication had me taking it again. Yep. I slept well. Unfortunately, I dislike taking any medication. I dislike the fact that I may need to take this medication to sleep better. However, it is not an addiction. I can stop again, you'd just have to deal with the consequences :)  So, he's changed that medication to another, and hopefully, that should work better. Sometimes I think he has no idea what he's on  about... He's upped my other medication just because. Makes no sense.

I had also come to terms with staying part time with uni, so all I have left is this year and next year. And then tonight I read my uni emails and discover that I've received an email about my program and instead of having 3 1st semester subjects and 3 2nd semester subjects to complete, I have 4 1st semester and 2 2nd semester subjects. Really, I'm done studying. I just want to graduate. But apparently everyone in this household doesn't think I can do it, that I already have too much on my plate and wont be able to cope with the stress. I have emailed the lady back to make a time to discuss it all with her.

Anyway

J is in grade 1 this year... where did the time go?? I miss him when he's at school. E misses him when he's at school. He's growing up too fast. J received an Academic award for his Prep class (2 from each class up to grade 7 were selected). Today we school stationery shopped. He hated it. I would have loved it more if it was all for me. Last year, he lost both bottom front teeth, the 2 at the top became loose last year too. Only yesterday and today did one of them (and it was the 2nd one to become wobbly) become wobbly enough to set the tooth fairy on standby. It's hanging in there though, perhaps tomorrow.

E continues to surprise me. Most days it's her use of language, some days it's her insight. Rarely it's been behaviour, but last week has been hard. She's been having accidents, like forgetting to go to the toilet until she wets herself slightly. An earache (probably from the pool). SCREAMING just because she can and wont tell anyone anything, screaming when she's in trouble, not going to sleep (one night she was up until 10 screaming. She was so overtired but kept screaming and crying. It carried through to the next day, too). But for the most part, she seems so grown up. I swear she was taller and smarter than when I dropped her to daycare...

I will update photos later.

I pick E up from Daycare today, and she tells me (pointing to a little boy)...
"He was in the kitchen with me" (toy kitchen)
"Oh, that must have been nice"
"No, he's a boy, like J. Not allowed in the kitchen"

I certainly didn't teach her that.

Tonight we had to have a chat that men make good chefs, and named a few famous ones (Andrew named Heston Blumenthal, Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey and Fast Ed (from Better Homes and Gardens)).