over it

I want out.

I can't do this anymore. I want to live in a house with just my family. They are my children. I want to be able to take care of them, look after them, go cross at them, cuddle them wherever and when ever I like. I want to be able to leave things where I want to.

Today is Easter. I had everyone's easter chocolate / presents on the table. E decided that she would just eat as much chocolate as she could get her hands on (when told "No more chocolate!" she responded with "But it's yummy!"). She was sitting in my seat, next to Pop's seat.  She opened one of my chocolates (I don't care, it's not like I need more!) But then she reached for Pop's and tried to open his. Well fuck me if he just didn't lose his shit at her. My apologies for the language, but holy crap man, she's TWO. She sees unattended chocolate, there, ready for the taking. She doesn't know that the little selections on the table are for specific people. SHE JUST SEES CHOCOLATE. Wanker. That turned into a yelling match. Andrew took it at me yelling at him. I was just yelling. I wasn't yelling at E, or Andrew, or really at Andrew's mother. I am just totally over the way Andrew's dad speaks to E. I mean, she only had her 2nd birthday just on two weeks ago. He doesn't treat J the same way. It's like J could do nothing wrong, but E just has to breathe and hey, you're pissing me off kid. Later in the morning, he was in his bed (coz that's just a whole other story - he had surgery on his backside, then while recovering from that now has bursitis, which is a frozen shoulder), and while E and J were watching Dora in his room, he hears beeping. He immediately went mad at E for playing with the the telephone. She didn't even have it. Dora was beeping.

I'm just so totally over her being blamed for everything. A few months ago, his wallet went missing. As did Andrew's mothers keys. E is forever finding things and playing with them and putting them where she thinks she needs to go. I ended up finding the keys, but the wallet was still missing. She was blamed for it missing. It turned up, in the mop bucket full of water. Yes, she may have put it there, but the wallet wasn't put back in it's normal place, so technically, who's fault was it that it ended up in the mop bucket? Should it be E, the one who put it in the bucket, or the one who left it where she could get to it?

rant over

I am at a complete loss on how to deal with E. Regardless of what time of day it is, she is an absolute handful. I would one day absolutely love to give her (and J) another little sibling. When putting E to bed, that's when my resolve is tested. It should not take 2 hours to put a two year old to bed. :(

I feel as it I'm failing as a parent, as a mum. I can't do anything right. She wants Nanna. Never mummy. Yesterday J told me I yell too much. I tried hard today, never yelled. We all painted, I took photos. They tubbed in the laundry tub. We went to the library. We had tuna egg boats for lunch (and cheesy ham toastie). I was told again that I've changed. Still in a bad way. When I left for work just now, they were in my bed, with Nanna on my couch, watching Inspector Gadget. I would have preferred no tv, but I don't want to be told I'm not a fun mum anymore.

I'm struggling with this course at Uni, the thought to throw it all in has crossed my mind more than once. Then I think that's 3 years I've missed of my children's life for nothing, so I don't.

The First Tooth!

My baby lost his first tooth today! He was so proud of his wiggly tooth, he was showing everyone! It's Good Friday, so Andrew had the day off and came with me to the gym with the kids. I finished my 30 min session, and he was showing a lady from the gym who had just turned up how wiggly it was. As he moved his hand away, out the tooth came! Andrew watched it happen. I was chatting to a friend, so I missed it, but wow, it was surreal when he showed me! I remember when he got that first tooth! I don't remember how old he was, but I had already returned to work, part time. J and I had a health nurse appointment, I breast fed him, gave him to Andrew's mother who was waiting for us outside and went to work. I worked for 3 hours, then went straight to pick him up. I was gone 4, maybe 4.5 hours total. My mother-in-law asked me how long he's had teeth. I told her he doesn't! She showed me by giving him a drink of water in a glass. I could hear the tink tink of the teeny tiny teeth in his bottom gum! My baby had teeth!

Now, one of those front teeth is gone! His bottom front right one. Took two days from wiggly to out! I doubt the other bottom one is far away!  The Tooth Fairy is bringing him $5 in the form of 3x $1 coins, 6x  20c, a 10c and a 50c ! He had told me before he went to bed that he was expecting 50c! He's going to be excited when he sees all the coins! My bet is he's not going to care how much is in there, just that there is lots of coins!

crazy

It's been stupid crazy here lately.

I need to write my assignment and am procrastinating badly (ie: I'm here writing this blog post...)

I felt a puddle on the carpet before I put the kids to bed 2 nights ago, in the wee hours of the next morning it was a huge puddle. By that afternoon, there'd been a plumber over trying to find the leak (there isn't one) and have ripped up or stanley knifed the mould soggy carpet and underlay and rotten boards that the carpet sticks to.

Exam in 2 weeks. Same procrastination as above.

I turned down the opportunity to re-join tupperware

My grandmother tells me my aunty thinks I look like I've put on weight. I have (1-2kg), but surely skin tight jeggings and a pink tutu does nothing for anyones figure...

I'm 2 days late for my next c25k round (I believe I'll be up to week 3, day 1). I seem to find excuses. To be fair, a migraine and / or headache for 5 days will give you a damned good excuse.

J's loose tooth is bothering him, says it hurts and he has difficulty eating biting food. How long does it take for a tooth to fall out?

But to contradict my previous statement, we went out to dinner to Montezumas tonight, and he's eaten more than I've ever seen!!

I've been super shitty today. It took 45 mins of screaming like a banshee from E before I remembered I could pop her on my back in the ergo and she'll calm down and sleep.. There went 1 hour (coz it took another 15 min to properly get her to sleep and onto bed) for my assigmment. Then the kids were mental waiting for dinner. knocked over a drink and everything.

Then when we got home, the kids, Andrew, and his mum (and another boy) had a swim. That doesn't seem to spend her energy. So I asked if Andrew's mum could calm her down while I looked for something she asked for. I found it, the kid was still up playing ("yeah, I was getting her bottle"), so again I left her to it and got back to my assignment (which is what I was doing when they were all in the pool), and then I hear her, J and the other boy screaming and giggling and carrying on. That's not calming her down. What I really meant to say was "YOU put her to bed". When I finally resigned myself to putting E to bed myself, she came and took her off me and put her to sleep.

I need a holiday. badly. All I've been thinking was "remember when we could just ask the kids if they'd like a sleep over at Nannas?" Well, that doesn't work anymore. We live with Nanna. I just want a break. I'm tired. Cranky. stressed. annoyed, have a bit of pain (thankfully, no headache). I really just want this assignment to go away (but I don't know where to start and it confuses me and hurts my brain).

I've said yes to an 8 o'clock session at the gym in the morning (instead of 8:30). I've told my friend I'll bring in her textbook, but right now I've just realised I have no idea where it is.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Wobbly Tooth!

At school this afternoon, Jensen showed me him wobbling his tooth. I didn't think anything of it, because sometimes you can think the tooth is wobbly, but it's just your finger moving. Later, when playing a game, he showed me again. Only I was much more closer and OMG, the boy has a wobbly tooth! A front bottom tooth!

HIS right bottom tooth is wobbly!
It's the one that looks like it's out of place.

Andrew didn't lose a tooth until later in his childhood, and I don't remember when I lost any of mine, so I just assumed J would follow in Andrew's footsteps and be a late bloomer in the 'loose tooth' department.

That tooth is so wobbly!

I really wish these migraines would stop!!

My kids

My kids, I love them. But sometimes they test my idea of a good parent. It shouldn't take 2hours to put a 2yr old to bed. I should t resort to putting her in bed, then walking out and shutting that door. It breaks my heart. It breaks hers. It breaks mine even more when I hear a tiny pointer finger knocking on the door and a little voice saying "knock knock mummy. Mummy door open. Mummy open" . She's never in there long by herself, but not long after, she is normally asleep. I suck at bedtime. To be fair, it's not every night.

J keeps pushing his luck at bedtime too. He wants to stay up late and gets so tired.

Tonight is a Saturday. I let him stay up late. It is also March 23 and tonight is earth hour. He was up until 9, and was so tired even then. But when I put him in bed, he told me that he would like earth hour every 1st day of the weekend every weekend. I told him I love the idea, and he should suggest it to the family at breakfast in the morning.

a cake surprise hit!

I made E's birthday cake.

I was so freaking nervous making it.

I'd never made it before.

The cake didn't rise (it was meant to be cupcakes, on the recipe), like I thought it would (which dashed any ideas I had for the party)

But it met the needs for my sisters kids dietary requirements. I made the cake (plus one test cupcake), and the icing (but I had to halve the icing as I didn't have enough ingredients).

Well, the cake sunk in the middle :sadface: So did the cupcake. Oh well.

The recipe for the icing. It tasted too much like coconut oil. I added more cocoa. Too cocoa-y. Added some maple syrup. Much better and a better icing consistency. I didn't actually added a certain amount, just what I thought might work.

Iced the cake.

Let it to sit in the fridge overnight and while I was at work all day.

The party was good, I think she enjoyed it.

The cake, however - my biggest stress - was a hit! Everyone said it was nice! My sister suggested next time I make it a slice.

So now I let you in on the recipe.... I found it here:

enjoy!

Grain-Free Vanilla Cupcakes with “Paleo-fied” Chocolate Frosting

Happy birthday!

Hope you had a beautiful birthday baby girl!

Yesterday, I had one of those days. Nothing went right, Eden wouldn't go down for her nap, screamed and carried on for 2.5hrs. I eventually put her into the ergo, and she was asleep in 5 min! So I didn't get enough baking done yesterday as I would have liked. Which sucked coz E's party is today. It's going to suck. No mini muffins that are suitable for my sisters kids. The only people to get back to me is my sister and one of my friends, making a total amount of kids coming is 5 including my own.

Then I let Eden stay up coz I wasn't feeling well, hoping shed slowly get tired and be ready for bed by herself . By 8pm ish, I'd had enough and feeling really nausea and tired from the gym, I tried to put her to bed. I was sort of succeeding too, until around 830 when Andrew came home and the in laws dog when bananas and roused the kids. Now im sick, sore a d pissed off. So I sent Andrew for a drive to put E to sleep, which only sent J to sleep. So I try again, but I'm feeling worse and started to cry (which is an indicator that I am sick). E immediately hugged me and kept repeating "I'm sorry mummy, I'm sorry mummy" ah uh made me cry more coz it wasn't her fault I was crying.

Finally, by 930, she was asleep. However, I had two bed guests over the course of the night, E was in here 3 times! Once, she told me it was her bed and pushed me out. She's still here.

About to get up for work for my new shift hours today. Eden's party is an hour after I finish, so lets hope things go smoothly!

C25k

Today is day 2 of week 2 C25k (couch to 5km).

I think I'm getting better at this running thing.

Would be a whole lot easier if there weren't so many hills around!

Our street has a massive incline hill, and I thought I'd be at the warm down by the time I got to it, but no, I had one last run.

It almost killed me.

I wanted to give up.

I didn't.

The running seemed to conveniently end when I reached the top.

Which is good, coz I nearly died.  Or at least nearly vomited. OMG. That was freaking crazy.

I'll run down that hill next time!

Awesome mummy moment

Lately, when I put Eden to bed, there is such a carry on. She fusses and screams and fidgets and cries. Sometimes I persist, and win (after about 30-60 mins - or longer!), or we tag-team and Andrew tries.

Sometimes, my mother in law comes in and takes over, and Eden is alseep within 5 minutes.

This is really frustrating (and heartbreaking - my little girl doesn't want me, she wants Nanna....)

Apparently, I'm to enjoy that she comes in and takes over. Use the time to rest, or relax or whatever.

I can't do that. That's my child. I should be able to get her to sleep.

She's playing up on me (us) to get you, and she wins.

Well - not tonight.

Wow the carry on was huge. I tried to calm her by singing (I do this every night, it wasn't just something I tried to start tonight). I got through 2 songs ('Away In A Manager' and 'Jesus Loves Me (This I Know)') and the screaming was still going on. So I told her if she doesn't stop and calm down, she was going into her bed, and I was walking out and closing the door. Which is what happened. I was only outside less than a minute when her crying turned to coughing. Picked her back up, screaming continued. I asked her to stop and she's calling out for Nanna, or mummy's bed, or mummy's side. I tell her no and ask her if she'd like to go for a swim tomorrow. She nods yes and I tell her that she has to calm down and take some deep breaths. Wow. That worked! I finally got her to lie down in J's bed, but then she tells me 'my yucky' - wet/dirty nappy which we go and change. On the way back to bed, a small fuss occurs, but is fixed by asking her about swimming tomorrow. Back into J's bed, and he joins us. I sing 3 rounds of (all of the verses) 'Amazing Grace'. Both are asleep. Eden transferred back to her bed.

All by myself. No help from Andrew or his mum! I'm so pleased I can help my children off to sleep!

Is it a sign?

Yesterday, I was talking to my mother in law about ways I can earn more money (as my hours were cut at work)

I suggested, and she agreed, that maybe I should start my Tupperware business back up again - be a Tupperware demonstrator.

Now, I love my Tupperware, I have so much of it, so it makes total sense!

BUT

When I was a demonstrator, I struggled with public speaking and the big thing - sales and party dates.

Now, I really only need 1, maybe 2 dates a week and I will be happy. Any money I make can go straight into saving for the house.

Today, I was thinking of my old manager from Tupperware, wondering how her family was etc.

Then about an hour later, she calls me! How random! I know it was a cold call, and I know she was fishing for a recruit.

The question now is, do I or don't I?

Is it a sign that I was thinking of re-joining Tupperware, and I was also thinking of her... and then she calls??

I Miss

Living with my in - laws is good, not optimum - we have our moments - but on the whole, it's going well.

It's been nearly 6 months since we've moved in.

I miss:

Having my own kitchen

Doing things my way

Not having to feel like I've upset someone

Having the house to myself ( I can be here by myself, but father in law is pretty much home all the time, even if it is in his room). Even if I do have the house to myself, someone always comes home. 

My cats. Yep. They were freaking annoying, but I miss them.

I miss the awesome backyard we had and the shade it had in the afternoon.

I miss not having to be quiet while the in laws are napping. (yep, they nanny nap)

I miss having a loungeroom next to the kitchen, where I can keep an eye on the kids and play with them while dinner is cooking, instead of the kitchen down one end of the house and my room (Where the tv is) is down the other.

I miss having a lounge room. Sounds silly, but yes. I miss it.

I miss the kids having their own room (even though they enjoy sharing one).

I miss my own decor. The house is decorated their way, obviously.

I miss being able to make a mess in the kitchen and not worrying until tomorrow morning (and using that time to play with my kids, instead of cleaning up)

I miss not having to worry if anyone can hear us being all intimate and adult. (awkward coz the other night that was happening and after we were satisfied, I went to check on the kids, to find mother in law humming and rocking Eden back to sleep. The kids and I share a wall.)

And after all this time, I can honestly say, I am NOT a dog person.

remember the other day, when Andrew shocked me with his comment about more children?

I decided to test what he'd said.

We currently use cloth nappies, and E is toilet training (doing a terrible job, but that's a whole other post).

I asked : What should I do with all the nappies?

He said : (and I get giddy just thinking about this..)  Sell them, we can buy more when we need to.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

Text message

Andrew sent me a text message today asking if when the tradesman next door to where Andrew works now retires, do we want to take over the lease and run a business.

He asks this by text message.

my response?


WOW.

Not the kind of thing I was expecting in a text!

I'll have to think on it.

The idea is appealing!

Ever had that moment...

Ever had one of those moments, like on tv or in the movies, where you know your partner has a particular stance or view on a topic and you know his answer before you speak? But when you talk about the subject, and take the opposite view and try and validate your argument before he can respond with his objection? And then he lets you finish your time on the soap box, and then AGREES with you?

Ever had that happen?

Neither had I until today.

Right now, I have 3 cousins and 5 friend pregnant. 

One of those 5 friends shared secretly today that she is pregnant. Only just, but still pregnant. This particular friend and I seem to be on the same baby-making schedule, with both have 2 children, born within weeks and days of each other.

Anyway, I'm a little jealous. I had only just been looking for a photo of E's cot so I can sell it, and looking at all hers and J's baby photos made me nostalgic, homesick and clucky.

So I was sharing this information (the photo searching, the baby photos and our friends new pregnancy) and the fact I was clucky with Andrew. I then went onto quickly keep talking before Andrew could interject with valid reasons for not adding to our family. I totally understand, we're saving for a house, I have to finish uni, we live with my in-laws, we're not in a financial position (for either a baby or  a house), the list went on. I ended with a flourish, stating I was ready to accept that we're saving for a house, not a baby.

This is where you need to be sitting down....

Andrew catches me off guard by saying when we're settled into our home, we will be able to try again. His friend is his age and has just had her first child (Andrew is 4 years older than me), another of his friends - the same age - has just had their 3rd child. So it's not totally out of the question.

Yep, that shut me up for a few minutes. I'd have kissed him if he wasn't on the toilet at the time...

WOW. What did you just say?

We currently have a 'plan' to have saved enough to put a deposit down on a house in 2 years.  Say we succeed in that plan, and settle in after a year or so, I'll still be a year younger than Andrew is now and thinking of adding to the family!

I am still in shock! What a turn around! 

3 weeks until school holidays

There may be 3 weeks until school holidays, it may be in the afternoon after school, but I finally got this photo opportunity...

That was his original answer before school started too...

Eden

This morning when I was just about to grab my keys, I hear a tiny yawn and then some little voice singing to herself. Eden is awake! Normally this means tears and tantrums at the door while I'm leaving.

This morning, I was already in the car and had started the engine, I see her toddle up to the screen door, smile a huge smile and wave! I even saw her say "bye mummy". I waved back and she toddled down the hallway to Andrew!

She's growing up!

Well. Those extra hours I was expecting? They actually took hours from me. They took hours from everyone, but seriously, I only work 15hrs a fortnight, and as of next fortnight, 13.5hrs. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do yet. I've applied for a whole heap of afternoon shifts for that coming fortnight.

Sleep.. I need more

When did "up ta" become "mummy, down please?" Or a whole sentence? "Pop, Nanna in bed?" Eden has just had a brain explosion and has heaps words and now sentences...

But she also seems to know when I work. She will sleep restlessly, and lightly, on the nights before I work (so, at this stage, Friday night and Saturday night), leaving me exhausted for my 5am wake up Saturday and Sunday. Doesn't make for a good shift because I'm exhausted.

Eh, better just soldier on ... I should find out today if I've been given the extra shifts I applied for...

Too smart

Well, That backfired. I was actually just there to pick Jensen up this afternoon, but he wanted to show me some artwork in his tray. While we were there looking, another parent was on the other side of the drawers talking to the teacher. I was looking at Jensen's work, the teacher hands me a piece of paper to look at while she continues to talk to the other parent. ( I actually kind of liked the way she did that, as that way she still got to talk to the other parent, as well as "talking" to me ) The paper was the benchmark reading test. Last week (possibly the week before), Jensen was benchmarked, and they found that he breezed through Reading Level 5. I had been told that she would have to try Level 8.

Well, the piece of paper was the result of the level 8 Benchmark. There were 11 'mistakes' (or the words that Jensen had trouble with). 11 mistakes is apparently less than 10%, so the teacher tells me "I'll just have to try him on Level 10". I had to laugh at the way she says "I'll just have to ..." Made it sound like try again doing something unpleasant. I know she didn't mean it like that. I did mention to her about how I was confused and concerned about her comment of "such a thing as too smart". She laughed. There's nothing to be worried about. She mentioned that it is her 1st year teaching, and they "don't teach you how to talk to the parents!"

I don't mind, I like hearing about how he's going from her. She seems be genuinely excited for Jensen.

There are one or two other boys not far behind Jensen's 'level'. One boy has also seen what Jensen can do and is trying to do it himself.

Jensen has show and tell on Monday / Tuesday. He's the first one for the class to do show and tell. I thought that because we are near the top of the class roll, that that would be why he's first. But he's first so he can set the example for the other kids on how to present show and tell. I am both excited and nervous for him... for the same reason - that he is the example.

Words from the teacher

 This afternoon, I hung around to talk to the teacher about how Jensen is coping socially. We're concerned that the smarts he has will alienate him from the other students. Some of the other kids in the class already knew each other from Kindy or daycare, and Jensen is completely new and fresh.

We did discuss that Jensen is doing well, playing with the kids in the yard, and gets along great in the classroom with the others. She did note that while they are sitting on the mat, Jensen tends to sit away from the other boys. She thinks perhaps it's because they're rowdy and he wants to listen and pay attention...

She showed me a drawing that he did today, and was quite excited to do so. I was so excited to see it, as it was drawn in orange - and not green. She obviously saw I totally missed the reason she showed it to me and pointed out that he wanted to write by himself. He has written "Happy" "Sad" and "Love" with each drawing. Jensen had told her "Don't tell me how to spell 'sad', coz I already know how to spell it".

While I was marvelling at that,  lost in awe that this kid can do all this - the teacher pipes up with "There is such a thing as too smart". We wrapped up our conversation not long after that, but to be honest, I can't remember what was said. I'm freaking out about that one statement. What does it mean?

I've spoken to Andrew's brother and his wife (both teachers), and they think maybe she's a little thrown by Jensen. It's her first year of teaching and maybe they didn't teach her about how to handle a smarter child.

I'm going to leave it for a few days and then try and see her again. I don't want to be the pesty mum bailing up the teacher each afternoon!

gym

Yep, I'm awesome! Beat my time twice (rounds two and three) as well as beat Andrew's AMRAP of 30 skips, 3 heavy ball over the shoulder things (I'm sure it has a name!). Andrew completed 7 rounds, I completed 9 rounds and 5 more skips! Feeling pretty good right now :D

Oh, and managed a few handstands against the wall (with out breaking my neck, like last time I tried!)

My little reader

Thursday, I stopped the ask the J's prep teacher a question. I asked what I needed to and she answered, but then quickly responded with : "Oh, and I need to talk to you....". Very ominous, and scary sounding. However, nothing to worry about! They had been 'testing' the preppies to see what level they're at, which need more help and which are a little further ahead. Turns out my little man is one of the latter! He read a sight word book (I think I've mentioned it in the last post...) to her. So the teacher has told me that she'll 'benchmark' him - find out where he is with reading and comprehension. 

So Friday is benchmark day, and I hang around to find out what she's found out. Now, when a child graduates Prep, they need to (or should be)at a reading level 5. He can already read the reading level 5, and comprehended it. To use the teachers words, she was "blown away"! She says she's goign to test him again, this time at a level 8. I am so proud of Jensen. 

At home, we are currently trying to think up ways to use sight words. Sight words on paper is all good, but my mother-in-law and I are currently thinking of using an idea we've seen on pinterest - using lego duplo and words on paper stuck to the lego duplo. However, we're going to use the abundance of mega blocks we have that no one plays with. This way, he can read the sight words, and make a sentence with them!