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Monday, 21 November 2011

Cluck Cluck

Yep. I bet you can hear that cluck noise too. It's so loud coming from inside me. I'm ever so clucky. Well. Maybe not clucky, but I still feel a yearning. That's not the right word either, but it's the best I can come up with.

I miss the feeling of a baby growing inside me. I miss people actually talking to me (even if it is about the pregnancy), I miss the kicks.  I remember when I was pregnant with Eden, the contractions I had, the feeling I had, the "OMG this is happening, but shhhh better not wake Andrew, he'll need his sleep for tomorrow" feeling. The tomorrow was the day she arrived. Andrew was totally useless in the delivery room, but that's ok. I remember being in the shower during a contraction and thinking "This isn't too bad. I can do this!", then having another contraction hit and thinking "what the hell have I gotten myself in for!" I remember clearly the excited look on Jensen's face (just before Nanna arrived to look after him), when he witnessed a contraction and we told him the baby was on it's way.

I actually miss those things. Pain and all. I think I want to do it again.

I don't know how I'd actually go with more than 2 children. I've always only wanted 2. Since having Eden, that may have changed. Andrew does not want anymore though, so I may just resign myself.

These feelings seem to pop up when I'm at the shops and I see a pregnant lady. Dear pregnant lady, I'm jealous. Or a newborn in a pram, or being held close by a baby carrier. Or - randomly - when I'm at the gym in the middle of a class. Who would have thought!  But it's a class like BodyBalance (where I experience these feelings the most) or Zumba that these thoughts emerge. BodyBalance, because of the stretching and body positions you put yourself in, breathe through the stretch. Zumba there's all these weird moves (some that should be left to the bedroom!), like the ones that you seem to open your pelvis. I only ever think, "This would be great position etc for labour!" or "Why didn't I do this before pregnancy! Would have made for a better labour!".

The reason I brought this up is there are a lot of pregnant women around me at the moment. My cousin, 2 of Andrew's cousins, a friend has just had a baby, another one due in January. They're everywhere! It's like a slap to the face, then hearing "You'll never experience it all again! haha " :'(

I saw my cousin this week, and she looks fantastic. I did have to hold back from asking heaps of questions. I am jealous. I held back from saying that too.

With Christmas coming, we'll see her more often, and we'll see the other 2 cousins and the friend due January. I don't know how I'm going to cope emotionally. It's already been decided for me that that part of my life is over.

HOW do I get through this!?

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