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Wednesday, 2 November 2011

How do I know? (woe is me petty rant ahead!)

How do I know I'm depressed? Does just writing this qualify? I hate who I am - overweight, unattractive (apparently not to a lesbian, but that's not my thing)- unappreciated house slave. I'm forever picking up after Jensen, Eden and Andrew. It seems it's up to me to keep things tidy, which I can't coz there's always that next spot I have to clean before I can do the next next spot and then go back to it. I have to study, an Exam on the 10th. Andrew has the kids while I sit the exam, but I wanted to go to uni to study by myself in quiet before the exam - which would leave him with the kids for 5 hours. He won't do that. 5 hours is too long. So not only do I have to study, exam, I have to somehow look after them as well.
Jensen's started to backchat and yell when he has to do something he doesn't want to. Or cry. Crying is new. Makes me feel even more like the worlds worst mother coz I made my kid cry or sent him to his room to come back in a good mood. I feel bad when I feel like he's not participating at swimming or gymnastics at 100% and all I think is I'm just sitting there wasting money.
I feel bad coz I have no time got them coz there's just do much to clean. Then if I leave it and play with them, I feel bad coz my house is one giant mess.
I feel bad coz I have a gym membership but everytime I take my kids, they get sick, so then I can only go when Andrews home, and then there's. I classed on and I don't have the motivation to push myself as hard ad I need to outside a class. Then u feel bad coz I dumped my kids in the gym crèche ay all and made them sick. Gym membership money being wasted. But Andrew goes to the gym guilt free coz I look after the kids.

There is so much more. I feel invisible to everyone. Just typing this I hold back tears. I'm just not worthy to anyone. They wouldnt miss me until there were no more clean clothes, food, nappies, dishes. Someone to run meds or lunch up to them at work on a day where I have already said "I don't want to go anywhere today". Someone to pack all the camping gear while everyone else watches tv. To be made of money on maternity leave, but being forced to go back to work purely for more money which will go into daycare fees just so I can go to work. Work, uni, study, housekeep, raise children. I'm sure other people do it, but either I can't or I'm just not ready or able to yet. I feel so small, I significant and unnoticed. - used.

However... I do feel done sort of calm and peace when I'm comforting one of my children. Gives me some sort of hope that I actually have a real purpose...

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