How do you tell someone...

Ever wanted to tell someone something, just don't know how? Me either. I was going to ask you ! ;)
{ I'd love to elaborate on some details here, but you'll have to wait until I'm ready to admit them to the world ;)  }


I was a terrible teenager. If I get back half as much as what I gave my mother, I'm in for a hell of a time with J as a teen. Both hubby and I were troubled teens, so God help J. Least we'll know signs to look out for.


Back on topic, I was horrible to my mother. Not so much my dad. 


Late primary school/early high school, my parents made it official and separated & divorced. Dad went home to his mum, mum seemed to soldier on.  However, one night I had a particularly nasty argument and packed up all my things and the next day moved out to live with my dad ( and grandma). Perhaps it was because I had no boundaries to push living with dad that I stayed there. I did have to travel heaps to get to school (up at 5am to catch the 6am train so I could get to school - two trains in total - by 845am). Whatever the reason, the closer I got to graduating high school the more I realised I should have been nicer to my mum.


We should have been friends. Or at least got along.


At uni this year, one subject had us research a topic (there were 10 to chose from) and present a 20 minute presentation. My group chose Divorce and the affects on the family unit. 


I can tell you, with the most profound sadness, that I absolutely regret how I treated my mum. I realised it was when I was in my teen years when I was giving my mum all that grief, that that was when she needed me the most. As the oldest of two children, I now believe that it was then mum needed me to step up and assist her. 


How can I ever tell her that I'm so very sorry for how I treated her? She has told me, years ago, that she forgives me but will never be able to forget. Now more than ever do I understand.  I will never be able to forget OR forgive myself.


Mum. I'm so sorry. 


I'd love to write her a letter and leave it for her to read on her own, but have no idea what to write or how to write without crying. 


For now, hopefully one day, she'll stumble across my blog and read this...




Just a side note. This was written without editing. I wrote. I posted. It's in the *raw*, as it were.